How Do You Learn to Live with Hurt in your Heart…

… And Where is God

     When your pain leads you to the question WHY God?

     I think to some degree, if you have lived on this earth for any period of time, you have had some sort of hurt happen to you. Sometimes it happens for a short period of time and the situation is resolved, but sometimes it is an illness of a loved one and it hurts really bad initially, and you don’t know how long the hurt will last, at first everything seems like a blur, you pray for the best and get prepared for the worst.

     In my life I have always tried to be empathetic to those around me who have a loved one with an illness, in whatever capacity I can. I can never understand what they are going through, but I offer support in my own human limited capacity. The longer you live the more you come across this. When I was very involved in Christian ministry the prayer was non-stop for those who were sick, dying, hurt, in terrible situations and somehow you just preserve through it, you empathize with it but ultimately you give it to the Lord, eventually try to let go of the burden and you move on. That’s what I did. Moved on from prayer ministry all together, its like any other job, you get burnt out, you feel overworked, under appreciated, the only hope is that your are doing something for the greater good and one day your reward is in heaven. I can’t say that I’ve yet to recover, I’ve defiantly seen some miracles, maybe seen some others, and who knows about the rest. There is no instant reward for this kind of work, no glory, no acknowledgment all you receive is another email that the church needs more money and more volunteers. Prayer is expected as a Christian, but the importance never acknowledged. We rely solely on faith, faith that God hears, faith that everything will be okay, this is what you are supposed to do.

     What about when the real questions come out? The questions that start with WHY God? Whether you believe in God or not, often both believer and non-believers ask this question. If I’m honest with myself, I too find myself asking this question, on many different fronts, both in world matters and personal matters. I can say that often He answers me, in of course, mysterious ways, but it doesn’t mean that it makes sense. I find myself asking God Why, I find myself trying to learn to pray again, and something that was so natural before seems so difficult now. Why? The answer is easy, because of all the hurt I’ve experienced, because of all the unexplainable events I’ve seen. I am thankful that God planted deep roots in me, roots to believe and trust in Him, because even in my completely messed up, human state, I can stand before the Lord, in no fancy language, and ask Him, WHY God? Please help me to understand, please show me how to pray, please give my brother healing and understanding and faith and hope. The kind of faith that I used to have, the kind of faith that can move mountains, the kind of faith that can heal the sick and that can raise the dead. Lord we are nothing but broken humans and we, your children, need you, we need to you come to earth and bring your healing. Ultimately you are God, this is not the end, and we Love you.

     So we sit here on earth, broken hearted, but holding on to God and his glory and His love, hoping, praying for a miracle.

You Can Run But You Can’t Hide…

Where am I? How did I get here? So far from the passion I used to have in my heart, so far from the beauty I used to see in the broken. All I see now is the ugliness, the hurt, the evil and the hatred. Even as I sit here there is a women on T.V. speaking about all the rape and human trafficking that occurs everyday in India, the “Untouchables”, and my heart just aches for them. I just finished reading a book of a girl’s story who escaped North Korea with her mother through human trafficking, but they were so naïve and that they did not know what was happening to them until they were raped and sold in China as slave wives, she was 13 years old. This makes me sick. Every day I see the ugliness of how human beings treat each other, and I know I’m just as guilty as anyone, carrying hatred in my heart, but I’ve given up caring. I’ve lost hope. My heart is utterly convicted.

Would I even call myself a Christian anymore? What does it mean to be a Christian? All I see is around me is whitewashed tombs, but where is the authenticity? I started reading some of my old blogs, its been nagging at me for months to do this, so last night, in the middle of the night, I read about 20 or so. I didn’t recognize that I wrote any of those things, who was that girl that had unyielding passion and devotion to Jesus? She was fearless, she was passionate, and she was on a mission to serve Jesus no matter the cost. What happened?

When I think of what my life has been in the last 5 years, a lot of it actually has been pretty great, I may be hitting a lot of road blocks right now, but I had some pretty incredible things happen to me, like meeting a man who I can 100% be myself with and who loves me more than I can comprehend. I know that God has still been doing a lot of work in me, in a more practical everyday life type of way, so the side of me that spent hours deep in prayer slowly dissipated over the years, for better or for worse.

So I sit here, knowing I can run from God’s plan for my life, but I can’t hide. I think what I’ve realized is that we get to “co-labor” with God for our life plan, and that is the hardest part, we get to choose, sometimes it seems that it would just be so much easier if God would just tell us what to do, or where to go. Some people know what they want to do in life, that is just not me. I want to help the less fortunate, the women who are human trafficked, but life certainly does not make it easy to help, there are always rules and processes for everything. If I had listened to all the rules and processes that I would suppose to follow to go to Haiti, I never would have ended up going there. The miracles that happened there, including delivering a baby in the tent city of Port au Prince, could not be planned, or prepared for, I didn’t need to spend thousands of dollars and become a nurse to do that, God was there. I loved that trip because it always felt God led, spirit driven, I see the chain effect of that trip even today through the people who work in Haiti, thanks to social media.

I came across one blog last night that I wrote, at the time I felt I was going to write a book called “Choosing to be Chosen”. It really stuck out to me, I’ve been watching a program on T.V. where the guy being interviewed wrote a book called “Choosing and Choosing Again”, I actually wrote the name of the book down yesterday morning. From what I gather, his book is about continuing to choose God after hurts and after thinking that we know all there is to know about God. I think what I must have had in my spirit when I was thinking about writing a book is that God chooses us, but He doesn’t force us, we too must choose to be chosen by God, to follow his ways, it is rarely the easy path. What I would have written 5 years ago may look very different that what I would write now, but I know my heart for God is still the same, it hasn’t changed, my soul still yearns to follow His ways, I’m just not sure what that looks like anymore. I can’t go back, I can only go forward, searching for a place I can go, a place where God will be welcomed, a place where equality not only means me accepting other people for who they are, but others accepting me as someone who loves God, but is a little lost and a little out hope. I haven’t given up on my journey yet as I search for my calling, but I fight the battle each day as best as I can.

Two times since we’ve moved to our new home we have driven by the end of a rainbow on the road to our place, along with another rainbow at work during the recent storms. I think God must be saying that there is Always HOPE, never give up. So I press on and search for the path I lost.

“A Day in the Life of a Bench”

I found myself in a very strange season this year, a large part of my walk with God has been healing and facing 'unfinished business', that meant facing my deepest wounds so that I can be free to fully follow God's plan for me. God has also brought so much new blessing during this time. I feel as if the chapter of this blog will be closed after this, and I am so very excited to start my new one in January (details to come!).

The loss of my teammate in 2008 greatly affected my life and God has brought me back to that season to make a short film about Jen's life, told by her mother Ruth. This has been incredibly difficult, but by God's grace, amazing support (thanks Kevin), I am near the end. Here in this blog is a quick glimpse of it, my written pitch to my professor for the film.

I am forever learning more about God's Grace and I am speechless by it. Sometimes stepping out in faith, you fall on your face, you make mistakes, you sin, you cry, but you live, you learn of God's Grace even more and through it all, if you let yourself forgive and forget, you learn how to love even deeper. I ask for you prayers as I complete the editing process over the next week. Thank-you all.

I pray that you experience the extent of God's Grace and God's Love in Your Life.


This is a tribute to an amazing women that I was blessed to know, Jennifer Kathleen Simpson.

Written Pitch for Short Film

On January 27, 2008 in the late evening hours another victim was taken by bad winter road conditions, Jen Simpson, deeply loved and cherished, left this world. Five years later her legacy carries on by her mothers tenacious spirit and the University of the Fraser Valley rowing crew.

Tracking back to January 2007, 5:30am at the Fraser Valley Rowing Club on the Vedder Canal in Yarrow, British Columbia Canada. The sun has yet to rise from behind the glorious mountains, the ground covered with snow, and the frost bites at fingers and toes. The only sound you would hear is the splash of an oar gliding through the water and the shout of a voice off in the distance yelling “Hard port! Watch out for that log! Let it run!”


Fast forward eight months, same time of day in Fort Langley British Columbia, Canada at the local rowing club. You would hear the same sounds multiplied, more oars in the water, more rowers in the University of the Fraser Valley boats and much more shouting from the coach. The rowers are preparing to begin their grueling three months of competition. They train hard for this all year, on the water every morning at 5:30am and in the gym every evening. They do this all in great hope of a first place finish in what is only a two kilometer, eight to ten minute race.

In that year, 2007, Jen Simpson was in one of those boats, her first year discovering the beauty of rowing, every day she was on the dock, 5:30am, with a smile on her face ready to take on the cold and cheer on her teammates. She spent most of time in an older boat, it was heavy, she was light, the boat was slow, she was learning to push harder and get stronger and this was how the boat the “Big Bison” came to be. Rather than being upset at being stuck in a heavy old boat Jen, the light that she was, made light of the situation, naming the boat “Big Bison”. Now the original “Big Bison” has finished its days and there is a new boat, a lighter and faster one. The name will stay the same, “Big Bison” a legacy that will live on forever and always be a reminder of how we can just as easily choose to grumble over a situation as we can choose to be joyful, despite the situation.

What remains of Jen is a beautiful memorial bench on campus, an athletic scholarship, new rowing equipment and hundreds of wonderful memories. This short film will share Jen’s story, through the words of mother. This film that I will put together, being a former teammate and friend of Jen will raise awareness on the continual fight to keep her memorial bench on campus free from cigarette butts littered around it, as well as the fight to keep her memorial scholarship recipient a rower, who represents the person of joy encouragement and perseverance that Jen was.