How Do You Learn to Live with Hurt in your Heart…

… And Where is God

     When your pain leads you to the question WHY God?

     I think to some degree, if you have lived on this earth for any period of time, you have had some sort of hurt happen to you. Sometimes it happens for a short period of time and the situation is resolved, but sometimes it is an illness of a loved one and it hurts really bad initially, and you don’t know how long the hurt will last, at first everything seems like a blur, you pray for the best and get prepared for the worst.

     In my life I have always tried to be empathetic to those around me who have a loved one with an illness, in whatever capacity I can. I can never understand what they are going through, but I offer support in my own human limited capacity. The longer you live the more you come across this. When I was very involved in Christian ministry the prayer was non-stop for those who were sick, dying, hurt, in terrible situations and somehow you just preserve through it, you empathize with it but ultimately you give it to the Lord, eventually try to let go of the burden and you move on. That’s what I did. Moved on from prayer ministry all together, its like any other job, you get burnt out, you feel overworked, under appreciated, the only hope is that your are doing something for the greater good and one day your reward is in heaven. I can’t say that I’ve yet to recover, I’ve defiantly seen some miracles, maybe seen some others, and who knows about the rest. There is no instant reward for this kind of work, no glory, no acknowledgment all you receive is another email that the church needs more money and more volunteers. Prayer is expected as a Christian, but the importance never acknowledged. We rely solely on faith, faith that God hears, faith that everything will be okay, this is what you are supposed to do.

     What about when the real questions come out? The questions that start with WHY God? Whether you believe in God or not, often both believer and non-believers ask this question. If I’m honest with myself, I too find myself asking this question, on many different fronts, both in world matters and personal matters. I can say that often He answers me, in of course, mysterious ways, but it doesn’t mean that it makes sense. I find myself asking God Why, I find myself trying to learn to pray again, and something that was so natural before seems so difficult now. Why? The answer is easy, because of all the hurt I’ve experienced, because of all the unexplainable events I’ve seen. I am thankful that God planted deep roots in me, roots to believe and trust in Him, because even in my completely messed up, human state, I can stand before the Lord, in no fancy language, and ask Him, WHY God? Please help me to understand, please show me how to pray, please give my brother healing and understanding and faith and hope. The kind of faith that I used to have, the kind of faith that can move mountains, the kind of faith that can heal the sick and that can raise the dead. Lord we are nothing but broken humans and we, your children, need you, we need to you come to earth and bring your healing. Ultimately you are God, this is not the end, and we Love you.

     So we sit here on earth, broken hearted, but holding on to God and his glory and His love, hoping, praying for a miracle.

You Can Run But You Can’t Hide…

Where am I? How did I get here? So far from the passion I used to have in my heart, so far from the beauty I used to see in the broken. All I see now is the ugliness, the hurt, the evil and the hatred. Even as I sit here there is a women on T.V. speaking about all the rape and human trafficking that occurs everyday in India, the “Untouchables”, and my heart just aches for them. I just finished reading a book of a girl’s story who escaped North Korea with her mother through human trafficking, but they were so naïve and that they did not know what was happening to them until they were raped and sold in China as slave wives, she was 13 years old. This makes me sick. Every day I see the ugliness of how human beings treat each other, and I know I’m just as guilty as anyone, carrying hatred in my heart, but I’ve given up caring. I’ve lost hope. My heart is utterly convicted.

Would I even call myself a Christian anymore? What does it mean to be a Christian? All I see is around me is whitewashed tombs, but where is the authenticity? I started reading some of my old blogs, its been nagging at me for months to do this, so last night, in the middle of the night, I read about 20 or so. I didn’t recognize that I wrote any of those things, who was that girl that had unyielding passion and devotion to Jesus? She was fearless, she was passionate, and she was on a mission to serve Jesus no matter the cost. What happened?

When I think of what my life has been in the last 5 years, a lot of it actually has been pretty great, I may be hitting a lot of road blocks right now, but I had some pretty incredible things happen to me, like meeting a man who I can 100% be myself with and who loves me more than I can comprehend. I know that God has still been doing a lot of work in me, in a more practical everyday life type of way, so the side of me that spent hours deep in prayer slowly dissipated over the years, for better or for worse.

So I sit here, knowing I can run from God’s plan for my life, but I can’t hide. I think what I’ve realized is that we get to “co-labor” with God for our life plan, and that is the hardest part, we get to choose, sometimes it seems that it would just be so much easier if God would just tell us what to do, or where to go. Some people know what they want to do in life, that is just not me. I want to help the less fortunate, the women who are human trafficked, but life certainly does not make it easy to help, there are always rules and processes for everything. If I had listened to all the rules and processes that I would suppose to follow to go to Haiti, I never would have ended up going there. The miracles that happened there, including delivering a baby in the tent city of Port au Prince, could not be planned, or prepared for, I didn’t need to spend thousands of dollars and become a nurse to do that, God was there. I loved that trip because it always felt God led, spirit driven, I see the chain effect of that trip even today through the people who work in Haiti, thanks to social media.

I came across one blog last night that I wrote, at the time I felt I was going to write a book called “Choosing to be Chosen”. It really stuck out to me, I’ve been watching a program on T.V. where the guy being interviewed wrote a book called “Choosing and Choosing Again”, I actually wrote the name of the book down yesterday morning. From what I gather, his book is about continuing to choose God after hurts and after thinking that we know all there is to know about God. I think what I must have had in my spirit when I was thinking about writing a book is that God chooses us, but He doesn’t force us, we too must choose to be chosen by God, to follow his ways, it is rarely the easy path. What I would have written 5 years ago may look very different that what I would write now, but I know my heart for God is still the same, it hasn’t changed, my soul still yearns to follow His ways, I’m just not sure what that looks like anymore. I can’t go back, I can only go forward, searching for a place I can go, a place where God will be welcomed, a place where equality not only means me accepting other people for who they are, but others accepting me as someone who loves God, but is a little lost and a little out hope. I haven’t given up on my journey yet as I search for my calling, but I fight the battle each day as best as I can.

Two times since we’ve moved to our new home we have driven by the end of a rainbow on the road to our place, along with another rainbow at work during the recent storms. I think God must be saying that there is Always HOPE, never give up. So I press on and search for the path I lost.

“A Day in the Life of a Bench”

I found myself in a very strange season this year, a large part of my walk with God has been healing and facing 'unfinished business', that meant facing my deepest wounds so that I can be free to fully follow God's plan for me. God has also brought so much new blessing during this time. I feel as if the chapter of this blog will be closed after this, and I am so very excited to start my new one in January (details to come!).

The loss of my teammate in 2008 greatly affected my life and God has brought me back to that season to make a short film about Jen's life, told by her mother Ruth. This has been incredibly difficult, but by God's grace, amazing support (thanks Kevin), I am near the end. Here in this blog is a quick glimpse of it, my written pitch to my professor for the film.

I am forever learning more about God's Grace and I am speechless by it. Sometimes stepping out in faith, you fall on your face, you make mistakes, you sin, you cry, but you live, you learn of God's Grace even more and through it all, if you let yourself forgive and forget, you learn how to love even deeper. I ask for you prayers as I complete the editing process over the next week. Thank-you all.

I pray that you experience the extent of God's Grace and God's Love in Your Life.


This is a tribute to an amazing women that I was blessed to know, Jennifer Kathleen Simpson.

Written Pitch for Short Film

On January 27, 2008 in the late evening hours another victim was taken by bad winter road conditions, Jen Simpson, deeply loved and cherished, left this world. Five years later her legacy carries on by her mothers tenacious spirit and the University of the Fraser Valley rowing crew.

Tracking back to January 2007, 5:30am at the Fraser Valley Rowing Club on the Vedder Canal in Yarrow, British Columbia Canada. The sun has yet to rise from behind the glorious mountains, the ground covered with snow, and the frost bites at fingers and toes. The only sound you would hear is the splash of an oar gliding through the water and the shout of a voice off in the distance yelling “Hard port! Watch out for that log! Let it run!”


Fast forward eight months, same time of day in Fort Langley British Columbia, Canada at the local rowing club. You would hear the same sounds multiplied, more oars in the water, more rowers in the University of the Fraser Valley boats and much more shouting from the coach. The rowers are preparing to begin their grueling three months of competition. They train hard for this all year, on the water every morning at 5:30am and in the gym every evening. They do this all in great hope of a first place finish in what is only a two kilometer, eight to ten minute race.

In that year, 2007, Jen Simpson was in one of those boats, her first year discovering the beauty of rowing, every day she was on the dock, 5:30am, with a smile on her face ready to take on the cold and cheer on her teammates. She spent most of time in an older boat, it was heavy, she was light, the boat was slow, she was learning to push harder and get stronger and this was how the boat the “Big Bison” came to be. Rather than being upset at being stuck in a heavy old boat Jen, the light that she was, made light of the situation, naming the boat “Big Bison”. Now the original “Big Bison” has finished its days and there is a new boat, a lighter and faster one. The name will stay the same, “Big Bison” a legacy that will live on forever and always be a reminder of how we can just as easily choose to grumble over a situation as we can choose to be joyful, despite the situation.

What remains of Jen is a beautiful memorial bench on campus, an athletic scholarship, new rowing equipment and hundreds of wonderful memories. This short film will share Jen’s story, through the words of mother. This film that I will put together, being a former teammate and friend of Jen will raise awareness on the continual fight to keep her memorial bench on campus free from cigarette butts littered around it, as well as the fight to keep her memorial scholarship recipient a rower, who represents the person of joy encouragement and perseverance that Jen was.

One Day I Will Be Released…

...When I learn to Simply LIVE with LOVE.


Some of my recent thoughts, a little all over the place but I wanted to share. I keep getting these wonderful revelations of God's Love, I pray that you too would experience this daily!

I think perhaps the biggest lie I ever believed was when I was making the decision to re-dedicate my life back to the Lord in 2008 was this, “Christianity is boring”. I almost fall over laughing at this now as I reminisce over the last 4 years, my journey has certainly been a lot of things, some things good, some things bad but boring, not even close! I have experienced joy so abundantly that can only be described as little moments of Heaven on earth and pain so deep that I thought I would die before my next breath. I have lived in happiness, love, faith, hope, kindness, blessing as well as oppression, depression, unbelief, suffering and heartache. I have felt the presence of God as a consuming fire and I have felt the deceiving fire’s of hell. I have overcome obstacles in my faith that are only understood by the Lord. I have been rejected, insulted, cut down, betrayed, sick, hungry, tired, deceived, hated, lonely, depressed, angry, frustrated, mistaken, misunderstood, lost, confused, and completely broken multiple times. More than all of that, I have been LOVED by God and by His people and because I know this LOVE of the Father I can press on. I can forgive others for the hurt because I have been forgiven and saved by the grace of the Lord paid for by the blood of Jesus. It is because of this Love that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me as I enter into a time in my faith of knowing good and evil while continually learning to live relying on the Word of God.

I look forward now to a future time when I can yet again be sent out to the nations for the Gospel’s sake, but for now I wait patiently on the Lord’s timing. In my spirit I am ready, my heart aches for the nations, I am beginning to hope again to spread the love of Jesus to the nations for the first time in over a year. I went through some great hardships and was stripped bare. Each day I now grow in the ways of the Lord, each day I know Jesus a little more, I still make mistakes but this is how I grow. As difficult as some parts of living for the Lord are, the thought of not living a life with God seems utterly horrid, something I am not willing to risk.

So I yet again stand at a crossroad, do I leave this season in the wilderness and risk everything? Or am I going to continue wondering through the desert trying to gain back what I’ve already given up? The choice is difficult, the right answer is clear, yet I find myself more human and more afraid than ever before. I have come to see that anyone who has done anything really great has indeed taken a great risk not knowing the outcome. So I sit and wait, and the more I sit and wait the more I begin to realize that perhaps I am not waiting on the Lord, but He is waiting on me to take the risk, to trust Him wholly and fully with every single part of my life, no matter how messed up I am and how many things I think need fixing in my character. I continue to make small compromises that take away from my faith. I continue to have a back -up plan, “just in case” God doesn’t show up. Even writing that, I feel truly and utterly convicted. I live in society where we have to “line up all our ducks in a row” before we are willing to try anything worthy to be significant, that we must be secure, comfortable, reliant upon our resources before we can leap for God. For some reason I keep trying to find that in the Bible, even though I know it isn’t there. In the word of God, I don’t see “make sure you are all taken care of and then come and follow me”. Actually what I see is this:

Matthew 4:19 NIV
“"Come, follow me," Jesus said, "and I will make you fishers of men."

Matthew 6:19-21 NIV
19“Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. 20But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. 21For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

Matthew 6:25-34
25“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?"
28“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. (emphasis added)

So I stand staring at the sands in my wilderness, inching one step at a time towards a greater faith in the Lord my God. Each day God continues to prove His faithfulness to me. My human strength dwindles low, God’s spirit empowers me to carry out simple daily tasks and to love each individual person that God brings into my path. I am thankful that no matter where I am God teaches me to live simply in the moment enjoying relationship with the Lord and loving people no matter their culture, their story or their beliefs. The truth really is that all the gifts of the spirit that God gives us are powerless without the love of God behind them.

This lesson of LOVE is the most valuable I am learning and will continue to learn throughout this journey towards eternity with Jesus.

1 Corinthians 1:1-3 NIV
1If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Thank You Lord for loving me and saving me from an eternity of separation from you through Jesus Christ. Thank You for the daily empowerment by your spirit, given to me as a gift of your grace.
Amen

I'm Not Lost...

I’m Not Lost…

I’m not lost,
Why can’t you see?
I’ve found the greatest thing worth living for!
I’ve found the secret key to unlock every chain!
His name is Love,
His name is Wisdom,
His name is Power,
His name is Hope,
His name is Kindness,
His name is Longsuffering,
His name is Patience,
His name is Joy,
His name is Peace,
His name is Jesus.

He took me,
When I was nothing,
And He made me new
He took my dirt stained ashes,
And created a glorious garden!

Why must you continue to push me towards happiness?
Don’t you see that I’ve found it?
Don’t you see that my joy is in my heart and cannot be stolen from me?
Why would I look for happiness in this world?
When I’ve already found the only thing worth giving my life for?
I would endure the hardships over and over again,
If it would help you see,
If it would help you know,
The Peace that I have found.

I was naïve to think that the world would understand,
This joy in Jesus,
If I had studied the scriptures studiously,
I would have seen more clearly,
That Jesus, fully human and fully God
Was rejected by man,
If I had paid attention, I too would have seen,
That to follow Jesus,
Would lead to the same fate for me.

How could I be so silly to think,
That following Jesus would be understood
By those eyes that are blind,
and the ears that cannot hear.
What love is greater than that of our Heavenly Father?
That no matter what it takes,
No matter the offense,
It is a love that leads to an eternal life,
With King Jesus

There is no greater purpose in which to live for.

Cry out for the Sound of Heaven

[petition to the Lord]

Oh Lord,
I am not worthy
I am not worthy
To receive your call
To follow you
To know you in intimacy
To praise you as Highest King
Lord of Lords,
King of Kings,

You have made me worthy,
By your Grace,
By the Blood of Jesus,
How you love me so,
How you come and
Cleanse me from my sins
You wash away all the
Stains and ugliness,
You lead me beside still waters
You restore my soul
You make all things new

I am not worthy to be yours
I am not worthy to suffer for you
I sell my birthright for a piece of food
Lord you have so much mercy on me

Lord, your name
Is above all names
You are the one
To be exalted above all else
Just a taste of your power
Is more than we can bare

Lord do away with the performers
Call forth your worshippers,
Do away with the music of Lucifer
We call forth the music
Of the throne of God,
Send your heavenly messengers
To the saints,
That we may bare the music of your throne
On earth
As it is in Heaven

Let us glorify you
King of Kings
Worship the one
and only True God

Do away with the
Clanging symbols and noisy gongs
That tear apart your heart oh Lord

Teach us Father,
The sound that is pleasing to
Your ears
Tell us oh Lord, what do you think?
What do you want us to sing?
What is the sound
You want to hear?
Oh Lord send us the
Sound of heaven

Purify us,
Cleanse us,
Renew us,
Teach us your ways oh God,
We long to please you.

Lord, if you only you would come
With your spirit, your grace
Anoint us with Love
For one another
Anoint us with fasting,
For your sound
Anoint us with
A passion and zeal
For your house

Your name will be
Re-established on the earth
You will once again be put
In your rightful place
You will once again be exalted
Above all others
Alpha , Omega
Beginning and End
The one,
Who sits on the Throne

In Jesus precious name,
Amen

Praise you in the Morning Lord!

Lift up your eyes, discouraged one,
The Lord your help will be;
New Strength will come from Him who said,
"For rest, come unto Me." - Anon

The Lord really touched my heart with this, this morning.
Lord, each time you weed my heart and put the roots deeper it is painful, but I am full of Thanksgiving that in your mercy and grace you care enough to discipline me and teach me your ways so that I may know you more, be completely dependent on your ways and live life abundantly. I love you Lord. Amen
Psalm 119:65-72

65. You have dealt well with your servant,
O Lord, according to your word,
66.Teach me good judgment and knowledge,
for I believe in your commandments,
67.Before I was afflicted I went astray,
but now I keep your word.
68. You are good and do good;
teach me your statues.
69. The insolent smear me with lies,
but with my whole heart I keep your precepts;
70. their heart is unfeeling like fat,
but I delight in your law.
71. It is good for me that I was afflicted,
that I might learn your statutes.
72. The law of your mouth is better to me
than thousands of gold and silver pieces.

May God Bless your day today!

The King is Coming!

I saw the man made walls,
they shook,
they fell,
Then the Lord spoke and this is what I heard;
[to the Body of Christ]

Prepare the way of the Lord,

A voice crying out in the wilderness,

The King is Coming!
The King is Coming!
This is the one we have been
Waiting for!
He is Risen!
He is Alive!
He dwells among us!
He is coming to take us home!
Prepare the way!
Fill with Oil!
Dance for the King!
Celebrate the Kings arrival!
The precious cornerstone has
Laid His foundation!
Upon Him we build our church!
The gates of Hades will not Prevail
He is Alive!
Jesus is Alive!
Celebrate all you worshippers!
Celebrate the coming of the King!

Sing Praises,
Day and Night!
Time to take off the
Cloak of mourning!
Time to celebrate!
The beauty of the King
Is Indescribable!
He is Coming!

Awake oh sleepers!
The time of celebration
Is near!
He will wipe every tear
From our eyes!
We give the Lord highest praise!
We give Him our first fruits!
All belong to the Lord!
He is coming!
Believe!

Jesus has risen!
He is Alive!
He is housed inside of you!
Awake oh Sleepers!
Remove the scales from your eyes
And the cotton from your ears
See
Hear

The King is coming
He will take His rightful place
All His enemies are crushed under his feet!
The King has come!
The King has prepared the feast!
Dance!
Put on your best clothes!
Adorn yourself with Jewels
Like a bride!
Bride, get ready, for
Your wedding day is near!

The Lord has spoken!
The appointed day is near!
The King is coming!
Prepare the way!
I will loose your tongues
I will open the eyes of the blind
I will open the ears of the deaf
Prepare the way!

The day of Redemption is near!
The day of Repentance is here!
Confess all you sleepers, return
To your first love!
I am here!
I am near!
Listen to the prophets of old and new!
I am here!
I am near!
Praise the Lord all you souls!

Praise the Lord!

A Hug from the Lord

Something has shifted today,
It feels like spring,
not only in the natural with
the shining sun,
but in my heart,
has the season finally changed?
From a long cold lonesome
dark winter,
into a fresh new spring?
Is this a taste of the season to come?

I asked the Lord for
a hug,
a hug so filled with love
that my entire being would
be overflowed with warmth
and deep love.

I have no one here to
give me that kind of love
So the Lord himself,
Came to me in my
restless sleep,
my confusing dreams
and gave me a hug.

So filled with His
great love,
I woke up,
and felt in love,
I don't remember the
last time I felt
that way, maybe once,
perhaps never,
perhaps as a child,
innocent
of the worlds ugliness.

I asked the Lord for
many things yesterday,
12 pages worth to
be exact,

But Him and His ways,
He came to show me who
He is,
Above everything else,
He is LOVE

Has The Storm of My Heart Finally Ended?...

...Or is this just the eye of the hurricane?

I want to share more of my heart again in this journal, I want others to read about my journey in hopes of encouraging them in theirs. I have been through so much in such a short time, so much I didn't understand, I could not even formulate words to write it. I was afraid to share in case I seemed too crazy, too eccentric, or too radical. My heart burns with my love for the Lord and I am never sure how to share it. In person, my 'humanness' always seems to get in the way, my insecurities or my selfish desires. It is from that place that I realized I must go back to what I can do well, I can write, it's not perfect, but it is the best way I can express my heart.

I am going to try to be as honest as possible in these writings, I want to truly express what I am walking through with the Lord, in hopes that the Father's Love may show through everything I write, even the hurts, sorrows, brokenness, anger, bitterness, confusion and chaos. As much as I try to hide from those things, they are in fact, a part of this life, and I will endure them for a time until eternity, when I will never experience any of those things ever again. It is time for me to head out on the road again and I await the Lord's instructions.

The Lord has given me a title for this next season, which by the Lord's grace may be a book one day...He called it "Choosing to Be Chosen". We all have an eternal purpose, and I pray as I seek the Lord in mine, that you too may find yours.

Love Always,

Alicia

Live

Live,

With the grace of woman, not the grief of a child;
And learn to build all your roads on today because
Tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way of falling down mid-flight.
After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that your really can endure;
That you really are strong
And you really have worth;
And you learn and learn…
With every goodbye, you learn.

-unknown

[wisdom passed on from Grandma to Mama to Me]

The Vision - Pete Grieg

Isaiah 29:18
In that day the deaf will hear the words of the scroll, and out of gloom and darkness the eyes of the blind will see.

Isaiah 32:3
Then the eyes of those who see will no longer be closed, and the ears of those who hear will listen.

Mark 4:9
Then Jesus said, "He who has ears to hear, let him hear."

Revelation 2:7
He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches. To the one who conquers I will grant to eat of the the tree of life, which is in the paradise of God. [Rev 2:11, 2:17, 2:29, 3:6, 3:13, 3:22, 13:9]


The Words of the Vision.... – By Pete Grieg

So this guy comes up to me and says,
“What’s the vision? What’s the big idea?”
I opened my mouth, and the words came out like this…

The vision?

The vision is JESUS – obsessively, dangerously, undeniably Jesus.

The vision is an army of young people. You see bones? I see an army. And they are FREE from materialism.

They laugh at 9-5 little prisons.
They could eat caviar on Monday and crusts on Tuesday.
They wouldn't even notice.
They Know the meaning of Matrix,
The way the west was won.
They are mobile like the wind,
They belong to the nations,
They need no passport.

People write their addresses in pencil and wonder at their strange exsistance.
They are free,
yet they are slaves
of the hurting and dirty and dying.

What is the vision ?
The vision is holiness that hurts the eyes.
It makes children laugh and adults angry.
It gave up the game of minimum integrity long ago to reach for the stars.
It scorns the good and strains for the best.
It is dangerously pure.

Light flickers from every secret motive,
every private conversation.
It loves people away from their suicide leaps, their Satan games.
This is an army
that will lay down its life for the cause.
A million times a day its soldiers
choose to lose
that they might one day win
the great 'Well done' of faithful sons and daughters.

Such heroes are as radical on Monday morning as Sunday night.
They...

... don't need fame from names.
Instead they grin quietly upwards and hear the crowds chanting again and again:
"COME ON!"

And this is the sound of the underground
The whisper of history in the making
Foundations shaking
Revolutionaries dreaming once again
Mystery is scheming in whispers
Conspiracy is breathing…
This is the sound of the underground

And the army is discipl(in)ed.

Young people who beat their bodies into submission.

Every soldier would take a bullet for his comrade at arms. The tattoo on their back boasts
"for me to live is Christ and to die is gain".

Sacrifice fuels the fire of victory in their upward eyes.
Winners.
Martyrs.
Who can stop them ?
Can hormones hold them back?
Can failure succeed?
Can fear scare them or death kill them ?

And the generation prays

like a dying man
with groans beyond talking,
with warrior cries, sulphuric tears and
with great barrow loads of laughter!
Waiting. Watching: 24 – 7 – 365.

Whatever it takes they will give:
Breaking the rules.
Shaking mediocrity from its cosy little hide.
Laying down their rights and their precious little wrongs,
laughing at labels,
fasting essentials.
The advertisers cannot mould them.
Hollywood cannot hold them.
Peer-pressure is powerless to shake their resolve at late night parties before the cockerel cries.

They are incredibly cool, dangerously attractive (on the inside).

On the outside?
They hardly care!
They wear clothes like costumes to communicate and celebrate but never to hide.
Would they surrender their image or their popularity?
They would lay down their very lives - swap seats with the man on death row - guilty as hell.
A throne for an electric chair.

With blood and sweat and many tears, with sleepless nights and fruitless days, they pray as if it all depends on God and live as if it all depends on them.

Their words make demons scream in shopping centres.
Don't you hear them coming?
Herald the weirdo's! Summon the losers and the freaks.
Here come the frightened and forgotten with fire in their eyes.
They walk tall and trees applaud, skyscrapers bow, mountains are dwarfed by these children of another dimension.
Their prayers summon the hounds of heaven and invoke the ancient dream of Eden.

And this vision will be.
It will come to pass;
it will come easily;
it will come soon.

How do I know?
Because the longing of creation itself, the groaning of the Spirit, the very
Dream of
God.
My tomorrow is His today.
My distant hope is His 3 – D.
And my feeble,
Whispered,
Faithless prayer
Invokes a thunderous,
Resound
Bone-shaking
Great “Amen”
From countless angels,
From heroes of the faith,
From Christ Himself.
And He is the original dreamer,
The ultimate winner.
Guaranteed.

-Pete Greig.

Ballad - First Line of Defense Called

I’m ready,
365 days
Of counting the cost,
As far as I am able to see,
The price I will pay to continue on the journey with Jesus
To gain nothing of this world,
But to see Kingdom come on earth as it is in heaven.

Oh Lord,
Please show me heaven,

I ignore the battle in my mind
And listen to the spirit.
I hear,
It’s time,
It’s time to Go,

My Father see’s me,
He says I’m beautiful,
My Father knows me,
He’s counted every hair on my head,
My Father never leaves me,
He’s sent His comforter to fill every empty place,
My Father never forsakes me,
Because His love never fails,
I am His Daughter,
Daughter of the King

He covers us with the blood of Jesus,
He clothes us in armor,
Helmet of Salvation,
Breastplate of Righteousness,
Belt of Truth,
Sandals of the Gospel of Peace,
The Shield of Faith
And the Sword,
Of the Spirit,

Every moment matters,
We are trained for war,
We are strong,
In body,
In mind,
In spirit,
Because our God is
The Great
I AM

We will be Strong,
We will be Courageous,
We will have Faith,
We are covered in Grace,
Clothed in Righteousness,
Walking with the feet,
The hands,
The voice,
The dance,
The heart,
Of Our,
King Jesus.

We are Ready
We Will Go
I Will Go,
To prepare the way of our Coming King.
Jesus,

He is the Call,
He is the Way,
He is the Light,
He is the Truth,
Our hearts are one with His,
Now
And Forever More.

We love you Lord,
We live to honor you,
We give our lives fully to you,
Take it all,
Leave no bone dry,
Fill us with your living water,
As we serve your Holy Name,
As we honor and glorify you,
In all that we do

Keep our eyes fixed,
On the one and only true God,
King of Kings and Lord of Lords,
We put no other before you,
Our hearts are burning,
A Holy fire,
To make the way for the King,
Lord, let your Glory fall,
That all would be saved,
That all would know your love

We love you,
We love you Lord,
Let our lives be a pleasing sacrifice to you,

Amen

We Must Remember the Cross

Dear Abba,

Lord, I remember that the sacrifice of Jesus Christ is the reason I get to communicate with you, everyday, anytime I ask. It’s the reason all my sins are erased and that I am made a new creation in Christ Jesus. It’s the reason that in the hard times I must look at the joy set before me in my eternal home. Jesus is the reason I have life and I can think of nothing worse than living in separation from my Creator. I must remember the Cross. Every day I must remember the price that was paid on the Cross for my soul to spend eternity with my Creator. I am blessed to be your servant Lord. It is my honor and I am humbled by your mercy God. Nothing that you may ask of me to is too great in comparison to who You are and the price that Jesus paid on the Cross. Thank you Lord for my comforter, my helper, the Holy Spirit whom through your power never leaves me. God I pray that all those called to your Kingdom would come to a greater understanding of this great Love here on earth. I pray for all the martyr’s, who knew the truth of the Cross and held fast to it even until death. God may your Saints be strengthened daily in revelation of your great love. Thank you Lord for sharing your heart with us, Thank you for your incomprehensible Love that never fails.


Love your servant and your daughter,


Alicia Louisa

Romans 5:1-11

Peace with God Through Faith

1Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, wea have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. 2Through him we have also obtained access by faithb into this grace in which we stand, and wec rejoiced in hope of the glory of God. 3More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 4and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 5and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

6For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. 7For one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die— 8but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. 9Since, therefore, we have now been justified by his blood, much more shall we be saved by him from the wrath of God. 10For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, now that we are reconciled, shall we be saved by his life. 11More than that, we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.

Amen

It’s those little moments…

It’s those little moments that make it all worth it.

I never thought I would live a life that I woke up each morning pinching myself, wondering if I was still alive or somehow got transported to another place. Once I realize I am in fact, still on earth my thoughts continue on to a deep wondering if I have completely lost my mind and I am filled with a strange fear, yet before that fear it can even take a grip on my heart, is pushed away by unexplainable yet lovely peace. Then I remember why these strange feelings arise with me in the morning, it all started with the choice I made, a choice, either to stay in safety and comfort, where everything is familiar and feels good, or to venture completely into the unknown. It is at this point that I remember I made the choice to venture into the unknown. I stumble out of bed trying to feel brave, but wanting to run to some sort of safety, wanting to take back my decision, but knowing that I did make the choice that leads to the narrow path, a choice that will echo in eternity, a choice that when I stand on judgement day, I will know that it was right.

Each day is taken a moment at time, when fear tries to grip my heart I can feel the love of my Heavenly Father overcome it. Sometimes He uses the spirit of peace, sometimes He uses Joy, sometimes He uses words from scripture and sometimes He uses people.

I must say, there is nothing that can warm the heart like a conversation with a beloved friend a million miles away. When we are at our weakest moments trying with all our might to be brave, silently whispering the name of Jesus under our breath to give us comfort, and the phone rings with the sweet sound of a familiar voice, it’s like heaven comes crashing down to earth. It’s those little words of encouragement that can break through every discouragement and give us the strength we need to go on.

It’s little moments like that, amist a whirlwind of chaos, that make it all worth it.

Dedicated to anyone who has taken a leap of Faith into the unknown.

Alicia

The Little White Dress with Dirt Stains and a Broken Zipper

I need to write, I sit here, on Christmas morning, so thankful that the Lord granted my prayer for our whole family to be together on Christmas, yet I can’t help but feel my aching heart.

There are memories that stand out to me from Haiti, so vivid, so emotional, that no matter how much I personally desire to stay home, I know I must return to Haiti. I remember, Christmas Eve last year, sitting in church beside this little girl. She had on a pretty white dress, it was covered in dirt stains and the zipper in the back didn’t work. She snuggled up close to me and looked at me with her big brown eyes, I could see the look on her face that showed how excited she was to be sitting beside me and how like every other girl she just wanted to look beautiful and be noticed and loved by someone. I had flashbacks of my youth, same feelings as a little girl but such different circumstances, a clean beautiful handmade dress, surrounded by family that loved and adored me. I struggled to hold back the tears as I sat through the church service and I prayed with all my heart “Lord, please let this little amount of love that I show her be enough to help her through the hardest and painful moment of her life. Please let her always remember this as a picture of the love of Jesus and that she may know He is always with her.”

After the service her sister, not much older than her, grabbed her arm and ripped her out of the pew dragging her home, she looked back at me with a huge smile on her face; my heart ripped in two and I knew I would never be the same again.

As tears flow down my face all I can do is sit here and stare at the wall. No matter the sacrifice I have to make, no matter the insults I have to endure, to show the love of Jesus, even to one little soul far surpasses every price that I will pay. Love will overcome every obstacle and I’m so full of gratitude that Jesus was born this Christmas day and chose to give His life for me that I may have eternal life. I am so thankful for the love that Jesus fills my spirit with and I am honored to go out to the poor and needy to share this love. When faith is centered on a love relationship with Jesus, it is no longer a sacrifice, just joy that comes with falling more in love with Jesus by sharing Him with the world.

This verse, a theme of my journey stands out yet again this morning. Every time I take a step of faith this verse becomes even more meaningful to me. The Lord’s love and grace is so deep and so in-comprehensive!

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 ESV

9But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Picture: Girl in Haiti in a white dress.

Blessings of Joy to you this Christmas,

Alicia

Misunderstanding the Word GOOD

This may be one of the most significant things I ever write, thank you Father for choosing me to spread your love. It is all about you JESUS!

Simple Gospel

Please read through the following passages, let the word GOOD stand out to you.

Creation

Genesis 1

3Then God said, “Let there be light”; and there was light. 4God saw that the light was good; and God separated the light from the darkness.

10God called the dry land earth, and the gathering of the waters He called seas; and God saw that it was good

12The earth brought forth vegetation, plants yielding seed after their kind, and trees bearing fruit with seed in them, after their kind; and God saw that it was good.

16God made the two great lights, the greater light to govern the day, and the lesser light to govern the night; He made the stars also. 17God placed them in the expanse of the heavens to give light on the earth,18and to govern the day and the night, and to separate the light from the darkness; and God saw that it was good.

21God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that moves, with which the waters swarmed after their kind, and every winged bird after its kind; and God saw that it was good.

25God made the beasts of the earth after their kind, and the cattle after their kind, and everything that creeps on the ground after its kind; and God saw that it was good.

27God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them. 28God blessed them; and God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth, and subdue it; and rule over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the sky and over every living thing that moves on the earth.”

31God saw all that He had made, and behold, it was very good.


After reading this I got to thinking about the word GOOD. In culture today we use the word good so causally, in a greeting “How are you?” “I’m good.” We overuse use the phrase “God is Good” and it seems we often lose the true meaning behind it. I did a word study on “GOOD” in the bible, it occurs in various forms 8348 times!!! Below are some the definitions for the word Good:(each time you read one of these definitions, think of the word Good immediately after).

Possessing desirable qualities; promoting success, welfare, or happiness; excellent; admirable; commendable;

Possessing moral excellence or virtue; virtuous; pious;”to know good and evil”

Kind; benevolent; humane; merciful; gracious; polite; propitious; friendly Clever; skillful; dexterous; ready; handy;

Adequate; sufficient; competent; sound; not fallacious;

AND take a look at THIS!!!

Not lacking or deficient; full; COMPLETE..

My mind is going in a million different directions right now, I could go off on so many tangents, but think about this: God IS GOOD ie Not lacking or deficient, full, complete. AND God talks about his creation including us (mankind) in Genesis 1:31 He says “31God saw all that He had made, and behold, it was very good.”

What?! So does that mean that God created us not lacking or deficient, full, complete?! Yes I know that this was written before Adam and Eve sinned BUT check this out! God wanted to re-create this GOOD Garden of Eden that He made and He knew the only way to do that would be to send HIS ONLY SON to hang on a CROSS for our (mankind) SINS. As a human race we really were not doing so well with the law and the old covenant, the Old Testament shows that pretty clearly. SO to re-create this original creation God did away with the law when Jesus died on the cross. Now here is the part that is SO AMAZING!!! JESUS died defeated sin and death and then HE ROSE AGAIN!!! So this must mean that JESUS is ALIVE! Then to top it off God sent HIS spirit so that GOD, JESUS could live inside of US. This is by far the best GOOD NEWS that we humans could ever hear! We get to live in complete intimacy with JESUS NOW! Jesus did not stay in the grave, HE came out for US! This GOOD Garden of Eden lives inside of us, complete fellowship with Jesus, a lifestyle of worship praise and all honor and Glory goes to our AMAZING Father in heaven. My HEART is completely overtaken by this amazing love! God created me to love Him and worship him until I get to meet Jesus face to face! I LOVE this GOOD NEWS!!!

SO then, every GOOD and perfect GIFT comes from our Father in Heaven. That means that absolutely everything on this earth that is GOOD is of GOD. There is absolutely no evil in God, think about this in your day to day life. Was your breakfast good? Yep that was a gift from God. Did you get a nice complement from someone? Yep gift from God. Is the sun shining? Gift from God. Is it raining? Yep Gift from God, we would all die without water. Do you have friends, family in your life? Gift from God. God is only GOOD. Let’s stop blaming Him for all the bad stuff in life because it is not from God. Jesus lives inside of us but until He comes again for His bride (believers of Jesus) we live in a fallen world ruled by satan.

So God gave us the greatest Gift we could ever have, HIS BELOVED SON, imagine being God knowing truly how GOOD God is and then having to come live on earth…eek! Then God still showers us with unending Gifts everyday and HE LOVES to do that for HIS CHILDREN!

WOW!!! So next time you say the word GOOD, think a little more about it!

I am so overcome with this GOOD love I can barely even type these words. Let us join together and spread this love of God all over the earth!

And if you have never accepted Jesus into your life all you have to do is confess that you are a sinner and then ask HIM to come into your life and believe by FAITH that you have received him. Jesus is SO interested in living inside of you! That is why He DIED on the cross; HE knows you’re WORTH it! He wants you to know HIM!

WOW! THANK YOU FATHER! I am speechless and humbled by your mercy. I am so not worthy for this love. I thank you for everything you have done for us. Let my life be a song and dance of worship to you!


Love your Daughter,

Alicia

Picture: Christmas 2010 Haiti

What is Reality?

Balancing the reality of Jesus, the reality of this world, the reality of my circumstances and the reality of the difference in living in the 1st and 3rd world just takes its toll on me some days. Those are the times where I try to function but eventually I just run away to my hiding place unable to do anything but picture myself jumping into the arms of Jesus as he takes all my burdens. For me, to mirror this in the natural would be to go hang out with a bunch of kids, preferably the ones in 3rd world countries, the way Jesus lives with them is just so unique and so refreshing. As much as I desire to head off on a jet plane at a moment’s notice I find myself with a strong conviction to just wait and be patient, a difficult season.

I often dream, sometimes so vivid and so real that it takes me a good chunk of the day to figure out if it was real or not, so on top of the realities mentioned above, I too have this dream reality. Last night I was weeping with the desire to go visit Haiti as I drifted off to sleep. Then the Lord blessed me in a way that only He could. I spent the night in an orphanage in Haiti with my good friend who is there now serving. It very real and I remember it well. When I woke up I could still feel warmth of the children’s hugs, see their beautiful smiles, and smell the scents of Haiti that once used to make me cringe but now only make my heart dance with fond memories. It was like I had spent a week working in Haiti and I felt completely satisfied.
I fought to keep the joy from this dream alive as I continued throughout the day with all the other realties crashing down on me. I did not succeed for very long.

I struggle often with very deep doubt and when this begins to occur I’ve learned to start taking it as a sign that I’m headed in the right direction. It’s different than the normal day to day doubt that I face, it can get so severe that I end up with a mass of chaos and confusion in my mind as I try to war off satans lies to me. It’s the same lies that I believed when I was in Haiti, the same lies that tell me I’m nobody, these always come when I’m alone, as much as I recognize what’s going on, it never makes it any easier.

I’m so thankful for my brothers and sisters in Christ who are there to encourage and lift me up.

Thank You Lord for Dreams!


I am Blessed!


Picture: Haiti babies in my dream

The true meaning of Christmas...

Open our eyes Lord!

I sit here, warm cozy on my bed, I have every physical need met, yet my heart aches with an ache so deep I cannot bear it. It’s as if the very heartbeat of the Father is inside of my chest, aching to show His love to the world. I went out looking to get in the spirit of Christmas, I came home utterly devastated, writhed with pain and tears consumed with grief, where is Christmas here? Every bone in my body aches to go out to the poor and needy, to the orphanages I so love to visit, yet my attention is turned and I begin to see that I am amongst the poor and needy, those who have no idea what they are missing in the Love of our Heavenly Father. This may just be the most challenging mission I am yet to face, I’m so overcome with emotion and I don’t know whether I should cry, scream, or run away back to wrap my arms around the beautiful children in the Haiti orphanages.

What am I missing Lord? What am I not seeing? Lord I plea with you, that you would pour out your spirit on us that our eyes and ears may be opened, that our hearts would open up to see you for who you really are. Lord please have mercy on us for oppressing the poor and not setting the captives free, for not tending to the needs of the widows and orphans. Lord that our eyes of our hearts would be opened to what you spoke to the prophet Isaiah in chapter 58.

Lord I’m desperate to do your will, please show me the way and forgive me for my foolish pride.


Isaiah 58
New International Version
________________________________________
True Fasting
1“Shout it aloud, do not hold back.
Raise your voice like a trumpet.
Declare to my people their rebellion
and to the house of Jacob their sins.
2For day after day they seek me out;
they seem eager to know my ways,
as if they were a nation that does what is right
and has not forsaken the commands of its God.
They ask me for just decisions
and seem eager for God to come near them.

3‘Why have we fasted,’ they say,
‘and you have not seen it?
Why have we humbled ourselves,
and you have not noticed?’
“Yet on the day of your fasting, you do as you please
and exploit all your workers.
4Your fasting ends in quarreling and strife,
and in striking each other with wicked fists.
You cannot fast as you do today
and expect your voice to be heard on high.

5Is this the kind of fast I have chosen,
only a day for a man to humble himself?
Is it only for bowing one’s head like a reed
and for lying on sackcloth and ashes?
Is that what you call a fast,
a day acceptable to the LORD?

6“Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen:
to loose the chains of injustice
and untie the cords of the yoke,
to set the oppressed free
and break every yoke?
7Is it not to share your food with the hungry
and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter—
when you see the naked, to clothe him,
and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?

8Then your light will break forth like the dawn,
and your healing will quickly appear;
then your righteousness will go before you,
and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard.
9Then you will call, and the LORD will answer;
you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.
“If you do away with the yoke of oppression,
with the pointing finger and malicious talk,
10and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry
and satisfy the needs of the oppressed,
then your light will rise in the darkness,
and your night will become like the noonday.

11The LORD will guide you always;
he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land
and will strengthen your frame.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
like a spring whose waters never fail.
12Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins
and will raise up the age-old foundations;
you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls,
Restorer of Streets with Dwellings.

13“If you keep your feet from breaking the Sabbath
and from doing as you please on my holy day,
if you call the Sabbath a delight
and the LORD’s holy day honorable,
and if you honor it by not going your own way
and not doing as you please or speaking idle words,
14then you will find your joy in the LORD,
and I will cause you to ride on the heights of the land
and to feast on the inheritance of your father Jacob.”
The mouth of the LORD has spoken.

Lord I love you and Praise your holy name.

Picture: Christmas 2010

Monster or Lover?

The picture I have in my mind’s eye of my walk with the Lord right now is like the picture of the giant monster (not that God is a monster, but just bare with me), named Sully and the little girl named Boo from the movie Monsters Inc. It is this wonderful analogy of a complete and unfailing trust in the Lord. This little girl Boo throughout her time spent with Sully developed an unwavering trust in him. She was completely free to enter into Sully’s giant, warm and secure embrace. For Boo, Sully was completely trustworthy. Here is this little girl, with this giant monster, whom most of the world sees as extremely scary, this creature who slays, but the little girl knows the heart of this monster, the character and nature of this monster. She will joyfully jump up in the arms of Sully for a giant hug and she will cry with the ache of her heart just knowing that he will embrace her with his wonderful presence and sweet aroma of love.


This is who the Lord is to me, each day I seek to enter into His warm embrace. I want tell Him everything from the pains of my heart, all my hopes, dreams and dance with him in freedom and joy. There is a full and complete trust that even though He may be a God who slays, a God who brings justice, He is a God who is on my side and I can freely trust Him with every part of my life. To live not as the world lives, but to live in the Glory, as someone who has been saved, redeemed and set free by the Blood of Jesus Christ. To live not by the sight of my human eyes, but by the eyes of faith that are a gift from the Father through the Spirit paid for by the suffering of Jesus on the cross. This is the greatest example of Love.


I pray that every soul would come to know this intimacy with our wonderful Abba.



Blessings,


Alicia