I'm about to embark on a journey. I am already on a journey, but for some reason I have a feeling this part of my journey is going to be such a significant part, that it if I was writing a book it would be the most incredible impacting and amazing chapter in the book. That without this chapter, the book may not even be worth the read.
I was listening to a song by Lifehouse called 'It is what it is'. I like it because to me it seems to sums up much of the loss I have experienced in the last while. Tonight something else stuck out to me differently than usual, it was the following line “I was only looking for the shortcut home, but it's complicated, so complicated”.
I had reached a point in my journey of life where I had more than enough. My prayer was “God if you really exist, which I know you do, even though right now I may not believe it, if everything you say is true, then there is no way that life is suppose to suck this much”. That was it. Then I said “God I'm in this thing, I'm going all out, I'm 110% going to seek Jesus. I'm going to seek You, and I'm going to find this life and eternity that you say exists.”
You see, I'm a competitor, which is a blessing in some ways, and a curse in other ways. To sum it up I basically told God, “This sucks, so bring on the hurt, I'm up for the challenge, I want to know the real God”. Well, was I ever in for a season of suffering, and that is where the line “I was only looking for the shortcut home, but it's complicated, so complicated”, comes into play. I was trying to act tough, and thought I was ready for what God would reveal in my heart, I couldn't have been more wrong. I was in fact looking for the “shortcut home”, the shortcut to joy. I wanted the easy way out. I wanted the Lord's blessings, I wouldn't say without pain, because I knew pain would be involved to some extent, but I never imagined the suffering that I would endure, and what is more, the suffering that I had been enduring for years with even knowing it was also revealed to me. I believe that every human being can embark on this journey that I have taken, I do not in any way think that I am more great than anyone else.
Now, before I completely make you never want to embark on this journey, hear me out. I can only write this today because in the midst of my suffering, and what I know is a season of weeping that is yet to come, I have experienced a joy so radiating, so overwhelming, so out of this world that it is hard to even begin to describe.
Today I reached the top of a very steep climb. I am not sure how to describe it. Why is it so hard to describe? Well good question. Maybe because these were all things that took place so deep within my heart, so far from the outside, that world would have no idea what any of it means. The things inside of me, the things that I thought were right and perfect, my self centered attitude, my perfectionism, my competitiveness, my way of thinking “that my way is the best way”, were all things that were addressed by God. The joy that has come out of my learning about who I am, I can not even emphasize enough, how good God is. He has used my job as a way of building incredible character in me, it challenged me beyond any level I thought possible and I can honestly say it has made me a much better person. I believe that God will use anything to challenge our character and bring us closer to him, I am so thankful that he chose to use my job. My job was actually not bad at all, I learned a lot, for me the job came fairly easily, and the staff I worked with were awesome, but deep within my soul so much more was going on, I was climbing my everest.
I spent 14 months at that job, and I will truthfully say that everyday was a struggle. When I began seeking the Lord, everyday started to become a journey closer to learning about who God is and It was so hard for me. I sit here now more grateful then I ever thought possible. I finished my last day of work, feeling a little bit of happiness because I know God is sending me on a new journey, but also trying not to feel to much because I know more suffering and spiritual growth is to come in life. So when I got home from work, I sat down to thank God for his help in enduring my suffering, and I just start sobbing uncontrollably. Why? I'm not sure how to describe it. But think of your current everest. Well this was mine, and I just reached the top. I stared sobbing, not because I reached the top, not because I was finished working at that job, but because God was saying to me “thank you, good job Alicia, you were obedient to me”. I had done something that I did not want to do, and at the end, God thanked me! Can you even imagine it? I am sobbing right now even just recalling the moment. God, the creator, the almighty, the beginning and the end, was thankful to me for my obedience. The joy I have is more than anything I have ever known. More than any relationship I have had, more than any past success, more than any goal I have achieved. Wow, God your power is beyond imagination, you are everything good on this earth, and so much more. Right now, in this moment, I long to enduring Jesus suffering, and experience the joy and hope in the Lord. I thank you so much Lord. You have romanced me to my very soul and loved me beyond any emotion I have known. I sit here, in sorrow, weeping, in pain, yet your joy is so comforting, it is more than a hug, more than a passionate kiss, you bring more than what I need. You bring me suffering and peace, sometimes one after the other, and sometimes at the same time. Lord I embrace these tears you give me, because I know, though they may hurt deeply, they are for my good, for my healing, and in turn I hope to use them to heal others.
Every single one of us hurts, I am by no means greater or less than anyone else. Each one of us is constantly on our own journey towards the Lord's light and presence. He loves you as much as He loves me. God is so good, so good.
