I’ve been thinking, thinking a lot, in fact I don’t think that my mind and soul and sometimes even my spirit has returned to Canada. I think sometimes they are in Kona, often they are in Haiti, and then other times I have no idea where they are. My body is here, it goes through the motions of the day, but most of the time of the time, at the end of the day, I have no idea what I did at work that day, but I could tell you all about the revelations God is giving me.
I’ve had such a great week, and I am wondering why. Nothing extraordinary happened in my circumstances, but I am so full of joy, peace, happiness, patience, and love. This week, I stopped striving, I stopped trying to work so hard to earn God’s love, and I stopped trying to figure out every minute of my entire future. Instead, I still made the effort and the choice to spend time with God, but I let him speak to me about the day. I still pondered the future, but I let him speak to me about what it would look like. It has given me peace that surpasses all my understanding. In doing this, I have had more revelation and clarity about my future this week than I have had in the last 2 months since arriving home.
The questions I am seeking God for answers, still have a lot to do with “What the heck happened to me in my 6 months of sprinting after God?” I constantly am seeking revelation about many specific events during that time. One of the cry’s of my heart is “God please show me more about what working for your Kingdom means, please show me your Kingdom, please help me to understand eternity. God Haiti was so hard, God I suffered, God I thought working for you was glorious, but that was brutal. Why would I want to go do that again, when I can come home, live my comfortable life, yes I know it is not fulfilling, but it is easier than what I just went through.”
In that, God has taught me much. I have been blind to so many things in the past; I can’t even imagine how many things I am still blind to. This cry, I know, comes out of much blindness. Living a life following Christ, often, is faith, and often, you don’t get to see the fruit on this side of heaven. The bible is full of suffering by disciples of Jesus, and you wonder, how did they do it? And of course Jesus doesn’t want me to suffer like that; they did it, that was enough. But the thing is, although Jesus doesn’t want us to suffer, when we go against the pull of sin, the pull of the world, it causes suffering. How did the disciples do it? How did Paul have such faith, that He praised Jesus when he was in prison? How did Paul write encouraging letters to the church, telling them not to worry, when in prison? And what if the church was only concerned about its own well being, but Paul, suffering, was so humble that he still wanted the church to know the truth, despite their greediness? The thing of this is, through all of my suffering in life, I have come to know more of who Jesus is. The good things in life certainly have brought great joy to my life, and have brought me closer to God and I am so thankful for the blessings I have been given. But my deepest understanding, my closest most intimate moments with the Lord, came because I suffered, and in my suffering I turned to God, and He was there, and He is always faithful. It came from serving others, despite their greediness, I know I feel Jesus with me during those times, and it has increased my desire to serve more, because it pleases the Lord and I too fight the desire to be greedy.
God has and still does, pursue me, He shows me time and time again how He is the lover of my soul, He shows me how He is my friend, and now He is teaching me that, although He is those things to me, He also is God. He created me, He created the universe, He is in control, and I have a choice, to be obedient, or disobedient. Over the last month, God has been teaching me new depths of Fear of God.
So I struggle, what about me? What about the things that I want? What about my comfortable, perfectly predictable, and neatly arranged life?
This is where revelation comes in, wisdom, is the beginning of understanding. As God starts to show me answers to my questions about eternity. Can I row in heaven? Can I run in heaven? Will I have a beautiful place to rest my head at night? Will I be playing with children laughing and not have to watch people inflict pain on them? Will I no longer suffer with sickness? Will I always be surrounded by beautiful people praising God? Will I have everything that I have ever desired?
I was reading one morning, and something just struck me, before I knew what was going on, I was filled with tears of pain, and peace.
1 Corinthians 13:12
“For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.”
Why am seeking all the things that I will have one day with my father in heaven?
God says to me “Alicia I know you’re in pain, I know, now that your eyes have been opened, you see not how I intended it to be, I know it hurts you, but I am God, fear me and nothing else, you shall have no other idols before me. I am God, I will make things right in the time I intend them, seek not the things of this world, but seek my heavenly treasures. As you long to be with me, I long to be with you too, I long to be with you more than you can even understand. I long to be with all my children and it pains me to be separated from them, but one day, we will all be together. Come follow me, and you will have abundant life in this age, and the one to come”.
God what can I do except bow my head and say to you, “God, you are God”.
Through my prayers God is reveling to me clarity in all different areas of serving Him, practically, spiritually, physically, and relationally. I am excited to begin to share these things, and to learn more about them.
May God Bless you with His Unending Joy!
Picture: At the home of the new mom whose baby we delivered in the poorest tent city in Haiti, on a board placed on top of earthquake rubble.
