Plagued by Doubt

Please pray for me. I am being plagued by doubt. I am doubting that my blogs are even worth writing, I am doubting that I am even suppose to be going to Haiti (which I know is a lie). I am doubting that my spiritual gifts even exist, I am doubting that what I am doing matters. I am doubting that I even hear the voice of God. I know in my mind that these are all lies, but it very hard for me right now. I have been praying for the Lord to help me and take away the doubt, but what I feel Him telling me with this is that I need to walk through through it to build up my faith and endurance. I agree with this, but it is still very hard. I have had a huge heart for Haiti for almost a year now, and it has been a constant battle for me to get there, so many things have come across my path to discourage me from going there. Even yesterday all I wanted to do was book a plane ticket home. I have prayed over this and do indeed know that the Lord has called me there to meet him, and to get to know Him more and all the discouragement is just distraction. Please pray for strength and peace in my mind, as my mind and heart are in constant battle. I am even doubting that when I get to Haiti that I won't be able to do anything to make a difference anyways. I am thankful for this trial because I know the strength it will bring me, and I am also thankful that I finally have recognized what it is that I have been battling against this last week. I had to spend time repenting as I got very frustrated with the Lord and was angry that I felt left alone by Him. God is so good and I am thankful that He even cares enough about me to discipline and strengthen me through different trials.

Many Thanks and Blessings,

Alicia

Alicia, I am Here Waiting For You

Week 8
Speaker: Dan Baumann
Author of “In Prison in Iran” and “A Beautiful Way”

I was too scared to write notes today in class because God was really speaking to me when Dan was telling his stories of the middle east and his nine weeks in prison in Iran. I feel like God is gently and slowly leading me to understand that I can come to agreement with Him and the plans He has for me. He has really big plans for me, this is the beginning of something very significant. As I walk in prayer, God is continually speaking to me.

The quote from our speaker “The safest place is where God has called you to be”. Keep in mind this was said by someone who has lived and worked in some of the most dangerous places on earth, including Afghanistan and Iran.

This next part is a little bit all over the place, but just bear with me...

Dan told us about a vision he had when he was in the plane on the way to Afghanistan as a single male who desired to be married, and who was going to a country completely foreign to him, he had no friends there, and he only knew a little of the language. I wish I could paint a vivid picture of Dan's vision, they way I saw it, and explain to you why my heart was burning and tears were streaming down my face.

I often wonder why I have such a heart for impoverished people in the world who live in the “most dangerous” places and right now my heart truly is for Haiti. Sometime I am joyful at this, sometimes I am angry, sometimes I am confused, sometimes I am scared and sometimes I am just plain frustrated. I have moments where I am childish and ask God why I even want to give up every part of me, all my comforts everything that is safe and secure. God is not forcing me to do anything that I am doing, He is a gentlemen, but what I know of God's love and the truth about life, I can no longer turn a blind eye to the suffering around me.

So back to Dan's vision, the part that really impacted me was when Dan was asking God the questions that I often ask God about missions, and God showed Dan a vision of Jesus. Jesus was so incredibly excited that Dan was coming to Afghanistan to meet him there, Jesus was uncontrollably enthusiastic as He was waiting for Dan to arrive and meet Him there. Amongst every good work that Dan was going to do in Afghanistan, getting to build his relationship with Jesus was the most significant, it is the first commandment, Love the Lord your God with all heart, all your soul, all your mind.

So when I ask God why I am going to Haiti, that is was I feel His response to me is, “Alicia I am here waiting for you, I have a treasure for you”, it brings me to my knees as tears well up in my eyes and pour down my face.

Well, that was really intense, but I am so full of joy and life for the Lord. God told me to take a few days to just have fun and relax, He is so good. This week is the 50th anniversary of YWAM celebration and I feel that God is going to rejuvenate and fill me with so much joy this week. I am so excited! For me it starts tomorrow at 5AM and I get to participate in the torch run, woohoo!!!

Picture: Morning sunrise after sleeping on a black sand beach (in the rain, no tarp, lol), with waves crashing at the rocks below, and lava flowing in to ocean off in the distance. Black Sand beach is defiantly my favorite!

Well, Turns Out Life Is About More Than Me

Week 7
The Cost of Discipleship
Speaker: Jeremy West

[I love how last week God really prepared my heart for this weeks topic, He is always so amazing.]

Not really sure where to start. I have been trying to think of a word to describe the week. You know when a natural disaster occurs and the entire landscape of a region is dramatically changed? Well that was my week, but rather than a disaster it was the opposite. It was a complete change and shift of my entire life. My prayers for God's perspective (on a number of different things) are being answered. My prayers for healing are being answered, both emotionally and physically. God revealed to me suppressed pain over Jen's death, the moment when I had to take her dad by the arm and show him the memorial we made for his daughter, his only child. I think that, that must be the worst pain you can ever experience, to have your child die before you. The pain God must feel because He sent Jesus to the cross. I know the sadness of that moment in my life will always be with me, but God's grace is so much greater. I prayed with a classmate, for the guilt I held myself to because Jen died and I am still alive. When I prayed over this and claimed freedom over my life, I actually physically felt something leaving my body. I have freedom over this pain now, freedom I haven't had since January 27, 2008. I was totally paralyzed when Jen died, I slowly came back to life but a part of me was frozen with pain and it stopped me from living a life to honor who Jen was and to show how loving God is. I couldn't love to the fullest, I couldn't train to my full potential and was constantly hindered by sickness. I can not put into words my thankfulness for the suffering I endured because now I know more of God, He is my best friend. I know Him more intimately than I ever thought possible and I still only know a little bit of who He is.

The Holy Spirit had me in constant state of 'vibration' (for lack of a better word), for a couple weeks. Amy Sollers and Jeremy West both prophesied things over me this week. I will not reveal all they said quite yet because I am presently still beginning to learn how to walk in a new way with the Holy Spirit. I will say that my questions from week 5 about 'when ministry gifts are received' was answered, and my answer was “that my spiritual gifts were bestowed in my before I was saved to be developed with the Holy Spirit.” The other thing I will say is that it was confirmed to me that God has me on a very steep learning curve, which was very encouraging because sometimes I just feel like I am totally crazy. Every single day I feel almost completely like a different person. Don't get me wrong, I am still human, still a sinner, and still need rely on God for my every move, even though I often fight Him, and try to do things by my own strength. It is a life of constant surrender, and it is getting easier as I begin to recognize the ways in which I am stubborn and fight God.

I am coming to understand that I indeed do have real authority through Christ who lives in my and the 'trick' of living in this is walking in obedience and faith. God really does have some majorly huge plans for me if I choose to take the opportunities He is going to place before me. I will admit that I am terrified, the Holy Spirit is filling me with peace, joy, grace and I keep hearing the Lord say to me “I AM WORTH IT”. I AM a GOOD God and I WILL NOT rob you of the desires of your heart.”

So yes, I am learning more about what the 'cost of discipleship' is, but also that it is a calculated cost. I wouldn't say that I am fully ready to say that I will die for the gospel, but at the same time I have come to realize that I already have laid down my life. I am dying to self daily, sometimes I take a giant leap forwards, and sometimes I take a few steps backwards, but this is the real deal, and I wouldn't chose any other life.

God is still speaking to me a lot about Haiti, still mostly about how important prayer and worship is. Also that our team has the authority of Christ, we need to understand this, and we have nothing to fear as we walk in obedience to the Lord.

Picture: Waipio Valley, absolutely beautiful

A Change of Direction

Week 6
Speaker: Don Gilman

Picture: South Point (southern most point in the US). Jumped off this 55ft cliff! There is a video on my facebook.

There are a few major things that I took out of this week. The story of the couple who got married and both felt called to missions, but never told each other until after they retired because they didn't want to lose each other. That really impacted me in that I don't want to miss all that God has for me, by trying to do things my own way. I like this quote for that thought “I would rather miss the will of God trying than to never do anything”. I really liked learning about how much our heart motivation affects everything we do in our life and how fulfilling living each day to get closer to Jesus is. The point is not do everything perfect, it is to do something, “You can't drive a parked car”. God will use us where we are at, our job is to start moving.

I was deeply stirred when Don prayed freedom over our ministry fears, the things that scare us the most about ministry, mine are singing and dancing in front of others.

My heart was burning when Don was telling stories about his experiences as a missionary. I actually, for the first time, became deathly afraid of the life of a missionary. It was very strange because hearing stories, reading books about others good works in the world have always fueled my passion, but all of a sudden my fatigue, sickness, concussion and the reality of the cost of discipleship became very very real to me. The brutal harshness of mission, and my selfishness was revealed to me and I had a complete breakdown. I am now actually beginning to understand the enormous cost of discipleship and it is painful. I am so thankful to the Lord that He has chose me to be in a relationship with Him and although I don't fully understand, I know the cost is nothing compared to the reward.

When Don used the example in the bible of Abraham in Genesis and his disobedience and then God's perspective of him in Romans I was absolutely amazed. I am just so amazed that God views us as righteous and I think hearing the biblical comparison at that moment in my life, was the first time I really started to get a good glimpse of God's perspective of His children.

God has been speaking to me about a few different things for Haiti. I really feel that prayer will be a very important part of what our team will be doing in Haiti. I know that it is always important, but God has been deeply laying it on my heart since I arrived in Kona, and I think it might be the most important for me personally. I really feel God telling us to pray and work on unity for our Haiti outreach team. We need to be like a Roman army, side by side, with any gaps. I feel God wants our team to “bring a new song” to Haiti. To make a spectacle of ourselves through worship so that God can become known to the Haitians in a new, fresh and amazing way.

I am so grateful and excited by what God is doing in my life!

Week 5- Spiritual Gifts / Authority of God

Speakers: Connie & Craig

Picture: 40min Hike on Lava rock and a red dirt road (so cool) to Green Sands beach (yeup, that is right, green sand, the pictures can not capture how cool it is). We spend the afternoon body surfing, learning to body board Hawaiian style. Part of our 2 day road trip around the Island. Every ecosystem is on on the Island except Arctic and Sub-Arctic, this place is Heaven on earth!

In terms of the teaching this week I really feel that a lot of it was confirmation for me in the things I have learned and begun walking in. I do still have questions in regards to spiritual gifts, particularly 'ministry gifts'. If they are 'calling' gifts then wouldn't they be bestowed upon you when God created you? Some people believe these gifts are given to you when you become a saint (born again). Maybe that is true in the sense that we begin walking in that gift when we are born again, but doesn't God create each person unique and for a specific purpose on this earth and therefore wouldn't we have been created with specific calling gifts? Amy Sollers (week 2) made a statement once that some people have 'specific assignments on their life' and I believe that to be truth. Sometimes I wonder if there is a specific assignment on my life because of the supernatural ways God has touched my life. (These questions were answered prophetically for me in week 7).

I also have a lot of questions about authority in a marriage relationship, I want to know more about how God intended marriage to be. As well as questions about women in leadership roles. One of the many things that I really love about YWAM is that they don't put a hindrance on women that you typically find in some churches (past and present), it really has been so freeing for me, and it is allowing me to step out and learn how to walk in my spiritual gifts.

This week I came to more of and understanding of how walking in your motivational spiritual gifts incorrectly can be negative and result in a lot of frustration and hardship. It gave me a different perspective on a lot of my failures and I can now see how to approach situations differently to have a positive outcome.

God really spoke to me about injustice when the “Sex and Money” film producer spoke this week. Through that He really showed me that I need to be healed so that I am able to completely give the love God gives to me to others.

When I made a choice to be obedient to God and start walking with Him again, I started giving more, serving more and other things like that because scripture told me to too. I wanted to know more of who God is. Now I find that I am starting to do these things because I know more of God's character and how loving He truly is and I want to share that with others.

Quotes from the week I really like

-People are more important than things
-Always be prepared for God to use you in the situation you are in
-The world needs people passionate about what they are doing
-God's Word (Bible) is a banquet table for you, don't take someones chewed up and spit out food.
-God is the AIR I BREATHE
-Battles are won and lost in the prayer field
-Character of God- A place to run and be safe

Thank you to all my Supporters!

News Update!!!

I wanted to take the time to thank you for your incredible generosity and prayer support!

I have been keeping my blog updated with things that have impacted me the most from each week. The link is http://mygraciousfavorisalluneed.blogspot.com/ .

This lecture phase has been one of the most incredible things I have ever done. I have met so many amazing people that have dedicated their lives to what God is calling them to, and the fruit of their lives is so inspiring. During our last corporate church, a 23 year old girl was the main speaker. She did her DTS, then continued on to her School of Biblical Studies (SBS), an intensive 9 month study of the Bible, is now the producer of an upcoming documentary called Sex & Money. This documentary is based on the exposure of sex trafficking in the United States, and the belief that God has called a generation to stop this inhumanity. The link is http://www.sexandmoneyfilm.com/ if you are interested in more information on it.

God is so incredible and I am falling more in love with Him everyday. Media hides a lot of God's miracles that occur everyday throughout every nation, and each one of the 600 people on this campus in Kona has played part in those miracles. Every person I talk to has a different story of the things they have seen God do throughout the world. The more I learn about who God is, the more I realize how much I don't know, and how much He loves His people. When we align our hearts with God's will really amazing things start happening. After the things God taught me through the speaker in week 4, I desperately want to come back and do an SBS, if you could please pray for me to have the opportunity to do this I would really appreciate it.

I am also learning Health Care here, and will be using it in Haiti. So far I have learned how to asses patients, and about AIDS/HIV. Good news is that it is very hard to contract AIDS from someone if the proper precautions are taken, which is super exciting because I can love, and hold the children as much as possible!

In Haiti the plan is that we will stay at an extremely poor orphanage with 50 children from December 15 to January 5. We will then move to a house in Port Au Prince and live there until March 5. It still seems pretty surreal to me. The need in Haiti is so far beyond human ability; it was already the poorest country in the western hemisphere when the earthquake hit in January 2010, there is now a Cholera outbreak that has killed approximately 500 people, and Hurricane Tomas going through there as I write this, which is predicted to increase the Cholera outbreak. Our team is completely putting all our trust in God for His hand to work, and to lead us. We are doing the possible and trusting the Lord to do the impossible. I am so blessed to have the opportunity to be a part of God's plan in the restoration of a country and I can't wait to share the miracles that God will perform.

Our outreach team is also currently working on a sponsorship video, I will send you the link when it is completed. We are looking into different ways we can help there, including building houses for $4000 (US) each.

Thank You for Your Support!

May God Bless You In All That You Do!

Sincerely,


Alicia Borsoi