Every Seed Dies Before It Grows - Please Pray for Me SBS

...Pt. 2 continuation specifically from last 2 blogs, but is included in all past blogs.

Over the past few months I have had multiple people, none of whom I know very well, in different locations speak prophetic words into my life, the central concept of all of them are something like this;
-That God is going to heal me through this journey
-This is a season of healing and restoration for me
-God wants to give me peace, (shalom)
-God wants me to dream big dreams

New words spoken to me last night in the prayer room, based on the same concepts as above
-God wants you to journal again
-God wants me to have my voice back, 2 separate people (not sure specifically, singing for him, speaking prophetic words for him)
-it is no mistake that I am here (in Kona YWAM) during the Jubilee, (50th anniversary of YWAM), This is to also be my Jubilee
-God is going to exceed my expectations
-God wants to restore to me all the years the devil stole

Definition of Jubilee (j`bĭlē), in the Bible, a year when alienated property and land were restored, slaves were manumitted, debts were forgiven, and a general sabbatical year was observed in agriculture. It occurred once every 50 years, at the end of a series of seven sabbatical years as prescribed by the Book of Leviticus.


My specific prayer request is that I feel lead to do a School of Biblical Studies (SBS) here in ywam, Kona beginning in April 2011. SBS is a 9 month program that goes in great depth through every book in the Bible. After this there is a optional 4 to 12 week outreach opportunity. I feel called to go deeper into learning the word, so that I can teach throughout the nations. I also would like to do the SBS here in Kona because I am really developing a heart for the people here, and I would like to be a part of the transformation of this community. I would like to do this beginning April 2011, it is not clear to me that this is God's timing, there is also another one that begins in September 2011. If I am to do this in April 2011, I need to begin making preparations now, as I will be returning from my outreach in Haiti March 11, 2011. If this is what the Lord is calling me to do, Finances are also needed (not sure of the exact cost right now), and I need prayer on what the Lord is telling me to do to get the finances (working, fund raising, sponsorship ect.)

Thank you so much to all who have helped sponsor me to get to where I am today, my life has already been dramatically transformed.

I can not express how thankful I am for your prayers, they are so important, they really do make a difference.

God Bless

Sincerely,

Alicia Borsoi
(Also a video is in the making for our Haiti outreach preparations, coming soon...)

Here I am; Vulnerability

... continuation of week 4 blog pt.1


Dear Lord,

Here I am, my brokenness hidden underneath a smile, pushed down, deep within my heart. I try to hide it from everyone, but I couldn't hide it from you. You know me, you love me more than I can even imagine. I need your love to be real, more than just writing on a page, or words in a song. Lord I realize I haven't been wrestling you all this time, but I've been wrestling myself. Making decisions based on my own understanding, trying to understand based on what I know, but in truth that is just not possible. In this lifetime I many never fully understand why I was hurt so deeply by people who I love, why Jen died, why I was always within reaching distance of success before I failed. I tried to use my hurts to fuel me for success and when that didn't work I tried to push them deep down, ignore them and be successful despite my hurt, that didn't work either. Now I have run out of options. Lord I have lost my voice and my zest for life, I've lost my desire to love others, all I want to do is run, on my own, far away with You. I want to know you Lord, I want to understand who You are, I realize how little I actually know about you. I don't question anymore if you are real or not, I know deep within my heart that you are, you know everything about me, you know the number of hairs on my head, but I know next to nothing about you.

I blame You Lord for my pain and when I realize how much you love me, I blame myself. I don't blame others, because I don't want to cause others pain, and I don't want to blame them for their lack of understanding, so I blame myself. If you are God, beginning and the end, the Alpha the Omega, then certainly it can't be your fault, It must be my fault. Lord You know my heart, you know I have a good heart, I always have, all I ever wanted to do with my life was love others, and never cause them pain, how did things get screwed up so badly? Ever since I was a little girl, I never had bad intentions for people, I just wanted them to be happy, time and time again I was shocked at the way they insulted me, the intentions they falsely accused me of and the sinful acts I committed. No wonder I can't understand Your unconditional love when this earth is only an example of conditional love. I'm so angry and so hurt because of all the years of joy in my life that were stolen. How do I stop blaming myself for all of the pain? My back and hip ache, my stomach causes me pain all day long, my facial skin breaks out, my body is all out of sorts, completely unbalanced and in constant agony. There are deep lacerations and scars on my heart, it aches constantly. If I was made in your image, made to love others, what happened? Because I don't know enough about your character, I can hardly even begin to understand the answer to that question, all I know is that we live in a fallen world, run by the father of lies. Lord, what you made for good, satan uses for evil, nothing is his own design, you are the one and only creator, and he manipulates everything, no wonder the love that you brought into my life for good always turned into disaster or hurt one way or another. The love I experience from others truly is real, but satan is constantly trying to manipulate it with hislies.

Lord I long to understand Your Word in way more depth, so that I can cut through satans lies with a sharp sword. So that I can begin to experience your love and teach others to do the same. Lord I want to take this walk with you, I want to journey with you, I want to go deeper with you. I don't want to look to the left or the right, but I want to look straight at You, walk hand in hand, and learn about You. Lord I can feel you saying to me how much You love when I write to You, what a privilege it is to be loved by You. Lord I want to be able to dream big dreams again and walk in Joy. Lord please show me the way.

Thank You Father,
Your grateful daughter,

Alicia

Amen

Week 4 – Fear of the Lord – My World Rocked and Changed Forever

Was my world ever rocked this week! Wow. Where to start! For those of you who know me well and how much I love the beach, and dislike sitting maybe I'll start with this; it is a Saturday afternoon, I have no real obligations, I'm in Hawaii, and I've been sitting inside all day writing. Actually every spare minute I had this week was spend in the prayer room. My entire life is uprooted. I've already handwritten more this week that I have written the entire time that I have been here. I don't know how this all started but I think the pivotal turning point may have been when I asked the speaker a question. I will try to simplify this and give it the proper context, but it may be hard, so don't adopt this into your own beliefs without prayer and study of the scripture. It was something along the lines of this; the speaker was talking about how we constantly try to take control of our own lives and are unwilling to give God the control, so I asked, “If we as humans, are to give up our control to God, and we have no value by our humanness (another part He spoke on, our value is in who we are in Christ, another topic), then what stops us from being WORTHLESS?” Emphasis on the word worthless is very significant, because the response to this question from the speaker was not something that anyone, especially the speaker expected. God's wrath was expressed to us, through the speaker in the form of a very loud, angry, and authoritative voice. How do I know that what the speaker spoke was from the Lord, and not from his human nature or evil? Because of the grace God put over me (and others) while the message was being spoken, I felt the power of Holy Spirit trembling in my body, I felt peace, and not offended in the least, but the words spoken, were powerful. God is so ANGRY that we would believe the LIES that satan says about us. You know the God that you read about in the Old Testament? Well since God is the alpha and the omega, than the God in the Old Testament is the same God as the one in the New Testament. Read about the God's wrath in the Old Testament, then read about the Love Jesus brings to the earth in the New Testament, then read about how God, suffered the most pain that can ever be suffered, by sacrificing His own son.

It is not even like God sacrificed His son for a beautiful reward. He sacrificed His son, for us, sinners, who would hate him, blasphemy against Him, continually sin and let Him down, murder, rape, become addicted to anything that felt good, mess up love, and turn His beautiful earth into a wasteland day after day. Yet God paid the ultimate price, if you think God doesn't feel pain, then where do you think we got our emotions from if God is the one who created us? All I know is that God is absolutely furious that we would believe the lie that we are worthless when He sacrificed everything for our freedom and worth. We are no longer condemned because Jesus died for us. We are no longer murders, adulterers, because of what Jesus did for us. Yes we still commit these sins, but when we believe Jesus died on the cross for our sins, receive Holy Spirit in our hearts and live a repentant life we are free, we are no longer clothed in sin, but we are clothed in righteousness, clothed in white, for the Lord's sake, free and so deeply loved by the Lord. After pages and pages of writing this week, hours of contemplation, reading through the Book of Revelations, I am only beginning to understand what this means, but it is so powerful that my whole body trembles from the glory of it.

So now my next thought is this, how do I live a life where I can cut through satans deception with a sharp sword, not only for my sake, but for the sake of all humanity? Since the Word of God, is the Sword of the Spirit, then it seems that my answer is to study the word of God, to know it, inside and out, a hundred thousand times over. I believe that this week God has opened an opportunity for me to continue (since I have already begun) this journey. I will reveal more of my journey that lead me to this conclusion, in the next two blogs, as I will need your help and prayer.

Thank You for Lord for Your Unconditional LOVE, forgive me Lord for thinking that I know more than You, My Creator, You are ever merciful, just, humble, and so gracious.

Amen

Picture: Kua Bay

Speaker - Matt Rawlins

Week 3 Nature and Character of God / Haiti Outreach!

This week has been challenging for me, in many different ways. Challenging to focus in my attention to the speakers, (and having Korean translation all week makes it even harder to focus). Challenging in that the lecture material didn't stir my soul deep within, although I certainly did find it interesting. It is funny because when I was home I was longing for deeper conversation regarding scripture, but I had such a hard time focusing this week. I was constantly asking the Lord for help to listen, and looking back at it I did have a lot of cool revelations. Three major ones stood out to me:
1.To stretch myself and reach out to the community around me. So I decided to go on a community outreach and was privileged enough to meet a lady and pray for healing of her back. I know chat with her weekly at the coffee shop she works at (mmmm Kona coffee and coconut ice cream is so good!)
2.When Jesus heals He didn't have expectations of the people He healed, it was purely by God's grace. I really want to believe that God not only wants to heal others, but that He wants to heal me as well.
3.That to be a Christian I don't actually have to hide in a Christian “bubble” or behind gates to be safe. God is the light of the world, and He lives in me! I am excited about how God will use me for His Kingdom in the world where people need it most.

This week I feel like God has drawn away from me, I know He is still with me, and perhaps it is me drawing away from Him. In any case it has been really neat, I feel like when I have week, like last week (so much intimacy and power of the Holy Spirit) that God kind of steps back to see what I will do with what He taught and gave me the week before. This week I had to take the first step of faith, like going on a community outreach and then God blessed me with “feeling” the power of His presence and Holy Spirit. I did my first 24 hour fast and it was after that, (defiantly not during) that I felt refreshed, renewed, and full of joy. I really like that God is building my endurance and strength, it certainly is not easy, but I know that it is such a blessing.
I am grateful that Trent and Tre helped me begin my journey of looking deeper into scripture and for beginning to break away the idol that I have created about God's nature and character.
I am so excited about how God has journeyed me on a path to Haiti. I love Haiti from so deep within my hear, a passion that could only be from the Lord. I cried and prayed for them today as they were hit with an outbreak of chlorea, I desperately want to go there and help. Being patient for two more months seems like will be hard, but I am thankful and I know that I need this time to grow and begin to understand more about who the Lord is. When the earthquake hit Haiti, I wanted go to Haiti so bad to help, I begged the Lord, but I knew I had nothing to offer at the time. I surrendered my will to go there to the Lord. I applied to U of N, Kona (here), not knowing at the time that Haiti was a possible outreach location. The Lord is so gracious that He brought me to Hawaii so that I could go to Haiti prepared. I know that the Lord doesn't need me to go to Haiti, all He wants from me is to let Him love me. I am so blessed and God is so mysterious, so amazing and I love Him so much.

Picture: Celebrating the opportunity to go to Haiti with Mud pie, mmmmm
Speakers : Trent and Tre Sheppard

Week 2 - The Truth Really Does Set You Free

I'm sitting here trying to figure why it is so hard for me to write a blog. I certainly haven't had any trouble in the last 5 months. I am being taught so much information, it is hard to process all that is going on. After having the weekend to process what happened during the week this is what I have concluded; so many of my questions that I have been asking the Lord, including ones written in past blogs, have been answered. So what do I do with that? I really wasn't sure at first, it was overwhelming, my heard was shaken, twisted, turned upside down and inside out, in such a good way that it is hard to describe. The only thing I really can say about that is that the truth really does set you free. I am so free, and I think that is a big reason why I am having trouble writing about my thoughts, because I am free, free from the burden of so much confusion and lies. I have many more different questions now that I know so much more truth, but when I rest and trust in the Lord, I feel completely and totally free.

I think an important detail to note is that the freedom does come at a price. Daily, sometimes minute by minute surrender, totally giving up my will for my life, and whole heartedly trusting in the Lord. I am still practicing and learning this, but it is so exciting, and God is so amazing, He is my best friend. From the outside looking in things may seem pretty simple, but when I talk about my heart going through the works, I mean it. I have spent more time in tears than I have in a long time. Some times the tears were from grief of my past, but sometimes, the deep, uncontrollable sobs were from so deep within my spirit, and I didn't even know what they were about. My spirit is grieved, such deep longing and I am learning why, bit by bit, piece by piece, day by day.

In terms of details of last weeks lecture, I don't know that I really can write about it, believe me I have tried, but I would talk about it one on one in person anytime, just to warn you, it will take faith to believe it:) I know that what I learned is now a part of my life, I hope every single day that I am on this earth.

God's love is so much more powerful that you ever could imagine, there was actually one point during lecture last week where the Lord's love was so powerful that I wanted to run out of the room to get away from it. It sounds weird, but it is true, and indescribable. God is so amazing and I love Him so much!

Oh ya, and prayer works. Special thank you to those of you who pray for me.

Love Always,

Alicia

Picture: Kua Bay aka Mile 88 beach. Hitchhiked there and back, so beautiful! I love God's beauty

Speaker: Amy Sollers

Justice DTS Week 1 Oct 1-10

Highlights from teaching – The Father Heart of God

I have come to see more of what the Father's love is. I have always had trouble understanding and feeling real love, sounds strange, but I have always been some what 'closed' to it. When I watched the clip of the Ironman who towed his son the entire race I was brought to tears. I never pictured the Lord as someone who, If I desperately wanted to compete in a race as intense as the Ironman (which I do), but for some reason I was unable to, the Lord would do it for me, and carry me every step of the way. It was a major revelation for me, that through every suffering the Lord has carried me, through all the pain and brokenness, He has been holding me.

Over the past year I have been slowly and sweetly falling in love with the Lord, but it never dawned on me that He too is in love with me, I knew that in my mind but my heart had no idea. I'm not going to pretend that all of a sudden I had this miraculous feeling of being constantly loved because that would not be true, but I do have moments of feeling overwhelmingly loved when I allow the Lord into my heart. It is a slow process of trust and it is beautiful.

The other very important revelation I had was when reading a “Love Letter” from the Lord – verses taken from scripture and put together in the form of a letter written to me. Nothing really stuck out for me, none of the love verses, just one line “You were not a mistake”. I didn't know why that stuck out to me and I what I feel the Lord has revealed to me is that circumstances beyond my control from when I was young have dictated how I have lived my entire life. I have lived in a constant state in 'fear of making a mistake' which has resulted in some success and many failures. In fact I actually can't think of a time in my life was I wasn't fearful of making a mistake. Thinking back on it right now, I can't say that I am angry or even sad about this. Throughout my life I have not shyed away from the majority of my fears, I took them head on, persevered through them, and I believe because of this I have gained great strength to handle difficulties of life, all the while bringing me closer to the Lord. This is just on of my many ways I have seen and experienced the truth of how the Lord will use evil for good.

When I first arrived in Kona I knew the Lord was showing me aspects of my character that He wanted to change. It was like, for the first time, I could see this wall of perfection sitting right in front of my face. I had a couple (already close) friends state to me that they thought I was a perfectist. So here I am, afraid that I am ugly, afraid that I am too skinny or too fat, afraid that I will do or say the wrong thing that will offend someone, afraid of not working hard enough to please the Lord (silly I know), and the list goes on. On the outside all people saw was a perfectionist. God's timing for this was so perfect because I am joyful at this revelation, if the timing had been any different I know I could not have handled this truth about myself. I was asking the Lord what I had to do to fix this (silly again I know), and I could hear him say in my heart “Nothing Alicia, surrender, I am gentle, kind and I love you”.



What the Lord speaking to me about Justice and Injustice this week.

There are three different options for us to focus on for our outreach, heath care, education, and water purification. I wanted to do water purification and was considering the possibility of education. Well, the Lord has sure changed that! We have a presentation on each of the options, and then we choose one to study for 7 weeks for our outreach. When Connie was presenting on health care, I can honestly say it was on of the most exciting moments of my life. The Lord reminded me of many of things that have happened in my life as well as many of the dreams I want to accomplish in my life. The possibilities the Lord showed me that are used to bring justice around the world in terms of health care and evangelism are more amazing than I ever dreamed. The Lord showed me that it is in fact possible for me to be involved in this field, I can't explain this all in writing right now, but seeds were planted that day in deep soil (funny enough during my work duty that day, natural farming, I was planting seeds in the garden). The Lord is so amazing! I wish I could express in writing how excited I am for this, but I am sure much more will be written about it in future journals!

Picture: Me at the Ironman near the finish line, 5am waiting for the race to start, 1500 athletes started with swimming, then biking, then running. I was so deeply moved watching this event, the holy spirit was stirring in my soul.

Speaker: Ben Nonoa