The Devils Worst Fear Is That You Will Find Out What God Created You to Do and That You Will Do It.

Week 9 Pt.2

Picture: The coolest road I have ever driven on. Banyan Tree's are Amazing! (Take note of the light at the end of the tunnel ;) !

I am now in a place in my heart where I am, really and truly loving people from deep within. This is happening for only one reason, because I am learning my identity in Christ, and the understanding is giving me such freedom. I find myself making more time for people, finding little ways to make their day better and becoming more willing to change my plans to accommodate them, it truly brings joy to the soul. I find myself better able to be in communication with the Father while being surrounded by many people. I used to have a huge struggle with this, and I still need to sneak away often to talk to the Lord in quietness (which there really it is never completely quite here). Sometimes I find myself in a battle to surrender to authority, not in the typical way though. It is so busy here, not the kind of environment I expected in ywam, and it seems someone in authority always wants you somewhere to do something and all I want to do is sit still with the Lord and listen. So from time to time, I will be late for something just so that I can spend a few minutes listening to what the Lord is telling me for my next step, sometimes it is a reminder of how much He loves me. I am thankful for this busy environment, because the world is a busy place and I am learning how to be on time and attend all events, and still finding those moments with the Lord, it is great training. There are defiantly still times when I need more than a moment because of the steep climb the Lord has me on, and that sometimes is very difficult for me when I have to wait a long time to get more than 10 minutes to listen.

Writing this is reminding me of how I have woken up almost every single night since I've been here (9 weeks) in the early hours of the morning. I usually just put on an extra blanket and go back to sleep, but a lady who has a strong prophetic gifting was speaking to us in the prayer room and mentioned that the Lord has been trying to get a lot of our attention through dreams and waking up in the middle of the night. That really got me thinking, but not enough to stay up when I have been woken up. So one night I felt to go to the prayer room and stay late (it is always open 24/7), I was so worried about this because, as usual, the next day was busy and I do not function well at all when I'm super tired. So I went to the prayer room and said to the Lord I would stay until He said it was okay to leave, I ended up staying there until 4 AM. Just laying in the Lord's presence is a gift in itself. Some really cool things happened in there, (which is normal for the prayer room), and when I was asking the Lord why I kept getting woken up so early in the morning, I felt Him saying to me, “I want to tell you How Much I Love You”.

So, we will see if I am continued to be woken up early in the morning, I may have just missed out on 9 weeks of restful communication with the Lord, but He is a God of second chances. He may have been trying to bless me with the quite peaceful time with Him that I had so often craved during the entire DTS. It goes back to the obedience thing, I really did not want to get up out of my bed in the early morning hours, but if I had, I might have been filled up with more joy and peace that I struggled so hard to find some days. I don't know for sure, but I do see more clearly now how important it is to be obedient even when I don't understand. It is obedience first, then understanding comes. I pray that as I continue on this journey I will listen and be obedient to the Lord's little promptings. He is such a gentlemen and would never force us to do anything. I am so thankful for His friendship. I can't forget to mention, the day after I was in the prayer room until 4 am and up at 7 am, the Lord blessed me with such incredible grace and peace the next day, I attended all the meetings and we worked all afternoon on cleanup, and I was a bit tired, but I really didn't feel awful like I usual do when I don't get any sleep. The Lord rewards us for our obedience, He is so loving and kind.

My roommate made a statement to me this week when we were having a conversation, and it really aided in a major change of direction I am experiencing in my life right now. We were talking about different emotions and how some people are pretty steady with there emotions, and some people like myself are constantly from one extreme to the next. She said “emotions make life”. I have has such a fear of sad emotions (which is common I'm sure), that such a big part of me has been shut down. With maturity I have learned how to better control my emotions in good ways, but it also has had a detrimental effect, I have closed in so many emotions. There is a reason God created me as an emotional person (some of you may not know this, as I have made it my life long goal to hide them, until I started expressing them in this blog). I think many, many people struggle with this. Also what you do with you emotions is very important, because when are there used in a negative way, it is never a good thing. All this being said I am realizing how true it is that God doesn't make mistakes, He created me this way for a reason (who would of thought!) and all the good God has created has been twisted by this world. I am learning the goodness of the emotions that God has given me, it is so freeing, so cool, and I am so excited about this part of my journey. I have a feeling my emotions, are going to play an even bigger role in my future.

Okay, so I am going to sum up DTS in a pretty stereotypically way, but the meaning for me has so much depth to it. There is two reasons my life has been not as fulfilling as it could be. The first is, I didn't know my identity in Christ and the second is, I didn't know my own identity, the things that I was originally designed for. I think this is the key to life. So now I am here, I know more and more of who I am in Christ and my passion to love Him. That is enough, I never need more than that. Yet God loves us so much He wants us to enjoy this life and I am still missing the second part of the puzzle. I am an incredibly passionate person without a specific practical passion to pour my emotions into, call it my “calling” if you will. I have tried many times in my life and poured all of my heart into many different things, none of them as successful as I would have liked, none of them fulfilling. I am very aware of many things that I am passionate about but I had no idea what to do practically to tie all these things together and most importantly so that it glorifies the Lord, until this week. The Lord has brought things to my attention, things I have been ignoring for a long time. One of our speakers said that often the thing God wants to use you in for ministry is the thing you are most afraid of, well if that is true, than life just got a whole lot more interesting for me. So to sum up DTS it is this, I crawled into DTS as a caterpillar, God wrapped me up in a cocoon and now I am in a season of growing into something full and more beautiful. I have no idea how long I will be in the cocoon, it may well go long past DTS, it may not, but I am so excited for the day that I will be the butterfly and freely fly around in my gifts for all the world to see God's glory.

I pray for humility as pride comes before a fall, I long to be humble and used for God's Glory.

God is a Good God.

Amen

Joy of Obedience!

Week 9 Pt. 1

Picture: In front of a live volcano! Don't worry it hasn't erupted for a long time ;)!

This week was a special celebration of the 50th Anniversary of YWAM. What an amazing time! There was all sorts of really neat people I met from all over the world, really cool experiences and we got to hear about all the amazing ways that ywam is involved on the cutting edge of technology in the world. I am not going to talk so much about the specifics of the week, but rather in my next 2 blogs I will talk about what the Holy Spirit was teaching me through it all.

I feel the Lord saying to me not to be afraid, I don't need to constantly be over striving and will powering my way through things, this is what He created me for and He guides my every step. Yesterday by the flags when we layed the bricks down and the elders prayed over the youth, I had tears running down my face. Tears from the spirit, I felt God saying “weeping for joy”. Yesterday may have been the day I was commissioned by the Lord to go into all the world, to know Him, and make Him known.

I realized I need to let go of the “idea” of the life that I left behind, because the life I “left behind”, really wasn't what I remember it as, I was not living life to the fullest as God intended it. I also need to remember that the “ idea” of the future that I create in my mind when God puts a new idea in front of me is also not how God intends it. Isaiah 55:8-9 “ My thoughts are completely different from yours,” says the Lord. “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.” Gods plans are so much better for me than I can even dream, and I need to let go of what I was holding on to, let go of what I think can be.

The Lord has me on what I can best describe as a “tight leash”. I really can't get away with much, I begin to doubt and have unbelief in the Lord and I immediately feel lonely, hurt, depressed, confused and angry. When the Lord asks me to do even the small things, like giving up what I thought was my right, to eat whatever healthy food I want, and most days the food here is not healthy at all. It would make me so angry that I had to eat such unhealthy food all the time, so I would spend unnecessary time grumbling and angry. When I decided to just accept the food, find healthy food when I got the chance, my level of joy and peace dramatically increased. The same thing with sickness, when I began to seek the Lord whole heartedly again I have constantly been plagued with different sicknesses, its been about 7 months now of this. I realize that we live in an unseen war, spiritual warfare, and satan loves to attack me with sickness.

This week I really gained power over this, God really showed me a new perspective. The reason that satan will use sickness for me is because it truly would make me miserable, I would go about my day, do what I had to do, but there would be a little bit of my mind that would be annoyed that I had to work so hard feeling so unwell. Well, I have decided to make a choice, rather than complain and get angry with God that I am sick, I choose to do the possible (get medications ect. For whatever it is), pray over it constantly, and not allow it to steal my joy.

One of the most amazing “tricks” that I have learned in terms of keeping joy (because that is what the enemy loves to steal), is believe or not, is to not complain. It seems like such a repeated line, but I am learning how true it is. When we complain it takes the place in our heart of where the Lord wants to put joy. Sometimes it takes me hours of constant prayer to not complain, and instead of complaining out loud, I will “complain” to the Lord, and almost immediately it brings me to ask for forgiveness of my grumbling, and the Lord gives me a new perspective of my situation. I simply am choosing not to let sickness steal my joy and leaning on the Lord for His guidance.

Jude 1:16-23 NLT
"These people are grumblers and complainers, doing whatever evil they feel like. They are loudmouthed braggarts and they flatter others to get favors in return. But you, my dear friends, must remember what the apostles of our Lord Jesus Christ told you, that in the last times there would be scoffers whose purpose in life is to enjoy themselves in every evil way imaginable. Now they are here, and they are the ones who are creating divisions among you. They live by natural instinct because they do not have God's spirit living in them.
But you my dear friends, must continue to build your lives on the foundation of your holy faith. And continue to pray as you are directed by the Holy Spirit. Live in such a way that God's love can bless you as you wait for the eternal life that our Lord Jesus Christ in his mercy is going to give you. Show mercy to those whose faith is wavering. Rescue others by snatching them from the flames of judgment. there are still others to whom you need to show mercy, but be careful that you aren't contaminated by their sins."

This last week my complaining, even complaining in a joking matter brought me into the miserable world of doubt which lead to delayed obedience and nearly caused me to miss out on some amazing opportunities. I am so thankful that the Lord is a gracious, kind, and merciful Father and has restored those opportunities to me. God was reminding me of James 1:1-18 during my time of doubt plaguing me, but I didn't actually open the bible to read it, so the Lord had a dear sister in Christ send me an encouraging message with that scripture written out in it at the exact moment I needed it. God is so good. I also had another sister in Christ really help show me that because of Christ living in me I have authority over ALL evil, and her amazing speaking skills really helped to show me the Lords perspective on my situation. I am so thankful for these people. When we listen to the Lords the prompting and be the part of the body of Christ that we were intended for, it is such a blessing for everyone.

Another thing that was really clarified for me during my doubt was from James 1:13-17. I would be often asking the Lord why He let me make so many mistakes, why, if He was just to going to bring me here to restore me in this season. It was really frustrating for me. Well, turns out I needed to repent of that way of desperately wrong thinking. As it says in verses 13-17 NLT “And remember, no one who wants to do wrong should ever say “God is tempting me.” God is never tempted to do wrong, and never tempts anyone else either. Temptation comes from the lure of our own evil desires. These evil desires lead to evil actions, and evil actions lead to death. So don't be misled, my dear brothers and sisters. Whatever is good and perfect comes to us from God above, who created all heavens lights. Unlike them, he never changes or casts shifting shadows.”

So it never was God's intention for me to make mistakes that caused me hurt and pain, but rather that was by my own doing, and by the fallen world we live in and the prince of darkness that controls it. As Children of Christ we are no longer conformed to the ways of this world, and therefore if we “...get rid of all the filth and evil in your lives, and humbly accept the message God has planted in your hearts, for it is strong enough to save your souls” James 1:21 NLT. So God did not need me to come to ywam but since I chose to spend most of my life walking in disobedience and not listening to the Lords prompting, when I began listening to Him again He blessed me the opportunity to come to ywam to be restored, to learn who He originally created me to be, and also answering my prayers to help in Haiti by sending me with an amazing team, and building up my spiritual gifts in this awesome spiritually guarded environment. Also, the Lord never allows anything to happen to you that does not have a greater purpose.

The other thing I want to say that I think is the most important, is that repentance truly is a gift. We often look at it as a scary thing because by our nature we don't like to be wrong or make mistakes, and we like to be in control. When we repent to the Lord, there is an amazing grace upon us, and it draws us closer to the Lord, which draws Him closer to us. Repentance means not only recognizing the sin, but then turning from it. So for example my sin of complaining, delayed obedience, doubt and disbelief, after asking the Lord for forgiveness, I now consciously am making the effort, when I find myself wanting to complain, I reform my complaint in to a question to the Lord, when I doubt I ask the Lord for scriptures, or encouragement from a sister or brother in Christ. There is always the practical application side of things, and eventually these things become as natural as breathing, growth takes time, but it is well worth it. It is a life long journey, but when the journey is with the Lord it is amazing beyond words.

This journey the Lord has me on, of course, is all about getting closer to Him. When I came to ywam, I didn't bring a phone, I spent very little time talking to people back home, I spent every spare minute I could sitting and talking alone with the Lord. Sometimes I desperately wanted somebody there to help me, to talk to me, to say the right things, to hug me, to hold me, but my wishes never came true, sometimes I would talk with others and I wouldn't get the response I was looking for and I would feel lonelier and more confused. I now am so incredibly thankful that the Lord didn't send someone when I wanted because as I sit here, I feel so loved, so wrapped up in His arms, I feel my communication with Him is so much more open and unblocked, I now am trusting more and more that He is speaking to me, in so many different ways and nothing is better than intimacy with Jesus. It certainly is not always easy, but it is always worth it. I am constantly learning more ways of communication with the Lord, and surrendering my life to Him. It is so good. I have been blessed with the “feeling” of the Lords presence, through the Holy Spirit, for quite some time now. For me it feels like a constant vibration of my body, if you were to touch my hand you would feel the shaking, sometimes it is stronger, sometimes it is weaker. I have been asking the Lord a lot why I have this, and what He wants me to do with it. Sometimes it is to pray for others, but today I felt him saying it is mainly just for my knowledge. My devotional this morning was perfect in its description. “ Let my presence override everything you experience. Like a luminous veil of Light, I hover over you and everything around you. I am training you to stay conscious of Me in each situation you encounter”. What an amazing gift the Lord has given me! I begin to feel His presence dim when I walk in disobedience, and last week after I spend a couple days walking in repentance, I once again began to feel the Lord's presence again.

Now don't forget the Lord is ALWAYS with us, but He has me on this journey so that I become more aware of what brings me closer to Him, and what brings me further from Him. Wow, I feel so blessed, and I love so share this living water with others. Speaking of living water, the bible truly feels now to me like water, but it tastes so sweet like honey. I keep getting this picture of a set of hands holding an open book, at the top it is titled “Book of Life”, I see water pouring out of it down on to the earth, it is there for whoever is willing to receive it.

Plagued by Doubt

Please pray for me. I am being plagued by doubt. I am doubting that my blogs are even worth writing, I am doubting that I am even suppose to be going to Haiti (which I know is a lie). I am doubting that my spiritual gifts even exist, I am doubting that what I am doing matters. I am doubting that I even hear the voice of God. I know in my mind that these are all lies, but it very hard for me right now. I have been praying for the Lord to help me and take away the doubt, but what I feel Him telling me with this is that I need to walk through through it to build up my faith and endurance. I agree with this, but it is still very hard. I have had a huge heart for Haiti for almost a year now, and it has been a constant battle for me to get there, so many things have come across my path to discourage me from going there. Even yesterday all I wanted to do was book a plane ticket home. I have prayed over this and do indeed know that the Lord has called me there to meet him, and to get to know Him more and all the discouragement is just distraction. Please pray for strength and peace in my mind, as my mind and heart are in constant battle. I am even doubting that when I get to Haiti that I won't be able to do anything to make a difference anyways. I am thankful for this trial because I know the strength it will bring me, and I am also thankful that I finally have recognized what it is that I have been battling against this last week. I had to spend time repenting as I got very frustrated with the Lord and was angry that I felt left alone by Him. God is so good and I am thankful that He even cares enough about me to discipline and strengthen me through different trials.

Many Thanks and Blessings,

Alicia

Alicia, I am Here Waiting For You

Week 8
Speaker: Dan Baumann
Author of “In Prison in Iran” and “A Beautiful Way”

I was too scared to write notes today in class because God was really speaking to me when Dan was telling his stories of the middle east and his nine weeks in prison in Iran. I feel like God is gently and slowly leading me to understand that I can come to agreement with Him and the plans He has for me. He has really big plans for me, this is the beginning of something very significant. As I walk in prayer, God is continually speaking to me.

The quote from our speaker “The safest place is where God has called you to be”. Keep in mind this was said by someone who has lived and worked in some of the most dangerous places on earth, including Afghanistan and Iran.

This next part is a little bit all over the place, but just bear with me...

Dan told us about a vision he had when he was in the plane on the way to Afghanistan as a single male who desired to be married, and who was going to a country completely foreign to him, he had no friends there, and he only knew a little of the language. I wish I could paint a vivid picture of Dan's vision, they way I saw it, and explain to you why my heart was burning and tears were streaming down my face.

I often wonder why I have such a heart for impoverished people in the world who live in the “most dangerous” places and right now my heart truly is for Haiti. Sometime I am joyful at this, sometimes I am angry, sometimes I am confused, sometimes I am scared and sometimes I am just plain frustrated. I have moments where I am childish and ask God why I even want to give up every part of me, all my comforts everything that is safe and secure. God is not forcing me to do anything that I am doing, He is a gentlemen, but what I know of God's love and the truth about life, I can no longer turn a blind eye to the suffering around me.

So back to Dan's vision, the part that really impacted me was when Dan was asking God the questions that I often ask God about missions, and God showed Dan a vision of Jesus. Jesus was so incredibly excited that Dan was coming to Afghanistan to meet him there, Jesus was uncontrollably enthusiastic as He was waiting for Dan to arrive and meet Him there. Amongst every good work that Dan was going to do in Afghanistan, getting to build his relationship with Jesus was the most significant, it is the first commandment, Love the Lord your God with all heart, all your soul, all your mind.

So when I ask God why I am going to Haiti, that is was I feel His response to me is, “Alicia I am here waiting for you, I have a treasure for you”, it brings me to my knees as tears well up in my eyes and pour down my face.

Well, that was really intense, but I am so full of joy and life for the Lord. God told me to take a few days to just have fun and relax, He is so good. This week is the 50th anniversary of YWAM celebration and I feel that God is going to rejuvenate and fill me with so much joy this week. I am so excited! For me it starts tomorrow at 5AM and I get to participate in the torch run, woohoo!!!

Picture: Morning sunrise after sleeping on a black sand beach (in the rain, no tarp, lol), with waves crashing at the rocks below, and lava flowing in to ocean off in the distance. Black Sand beach is defiantly my favorite!

Well, Turns Out Life Is About More Than Me

Week 7
The Cost of Discipleship
Speaker: Jeremy West

[I love how last week God really prepared my heart for this weeks topic, He is always so amazing.]

Not really sure where to start. I have been trying to think of a word to describe the week. You know when a natural disaster occurs and the entire landscape of a region is dramatically changed? Well that was my week, but rather than a disaster it was the opposite. It was a complete change and shift of my entire life. My prayers for God's perspective (on a number of different things) are being answered. My prayers for healing are being answered, both emotionally and physically. God revealed to me suppressed pain over Jen's death, the moment when I had to take her dad by the arm and show him the memorial we made for his daughter, his only child. I think that, that must be the worst pain you can ever experience, to have your child die before you. The pain God must feel because He sent Jesus to the cross. I know the sadness of that moment in my life will always be with me, but God's grace is so much greater. I prayed with a classmate, for the guilt I held myself to because Jen died and I am still alive. When I prayed over this and claimed freedom over my life, I actually physically felt something leaving my body. I have freedom over this pain now, freedom I haven't had since January 27, 2008. I was totally paralyzed when Jen died, I slowly came back to life but a part of me was frozen with pain and it stopped me from living a life to honor who Jen was and to show how loving God is. I couldn't love to the fullest, I couldn't train to my full potential and was constantly hindered by sickness. I can not put into words my thankfulness for the suffering I endured because now I know more of God, He is my best friend. I know Him more intimately than I ever thought possible and I still only know a little bit of who He is.

The Holy Spirit had me in constant state of 'vibration' (for lack of a better word), for a couple weeks. Amy Sollers and Jeremy West both prophesied things over me this week. I will not reveal all they said quite yet because I am presently still beginning to learn how to walk in a new way with the Holy Spirit. I will say that my questions from week 5 about 'when ministry gifts are received' was answered, and my answer was “that my spiritual gifts were bestowed in my before I was saved to be developed with the Holy Spirit.” The other thing I will say is that it was confirmed to me that God has me on a very steep learning curve, which was very encouraging because sometimes I just feel like I am totally crazy. Every single day I feel almost completely like a different person. Don't get me wrong, I am still human, still a sinner, and still need rely on God for my every move, even though I often fight Him, and try to do things by my own strength. It is a life of constant surrender, and it is getting easier as I begin to recognize the ways in which I am stubborn and fight God.

I am coming to understand that I indeed do have real authority through Christ who lives in my and the 'trick' of living in this is walking in obedience and faith. God really does have some majorly huge plans for me if I choose to take the opportunities He is going to place before me. I will admit that I am terrified, the Holy Spirit is filling me with peace, joy, grace and I keep hearing the Lord say to me “I AM WORTH IT”. I AM a GOOD God and I WILL NOT rob you of the desires of your heart.”

So yes, I am learning more about what the 'cost of discipleship' is, but also that it is a calculated cost. I wouldn't say that I am fully ready to say that I will die for the gospel, but at the same time I have come to realize that I already have laid down my life. I am dying to self daily, sometimes I take a giant leap forwards, and sometimes I take a few steps backwards, but this is the real deal, and I wouldn't chose any other life.

God is still speaking to me a lot about Haiti, still mostly about how important prayer and worship is. Also that our team has the authority of Christ, we need to understand this, and we have nothing to fear as we walk in obedience to the Lord.

Picture: Waipio Valley, absolutely beautiful

A Change of Direction

Week 6
Speaker: Don Gilman

Picture: South Point (southern most point in the US). Jumped off this 55ft cliff! There is a video on my facebook.

There are a few major things that I took out of this week. The story of the couple who got married and both felt called to missions, but never told each other until after they retired because they didn't want to lose each other. That really impacted me in that I don't want to miss all that God has for me, by trying to do things my own way. I like this quote for that thought “I would rather miss the will of God trying than to never do anything”. I really liked learning about how much our heart motivation affects everything we do in our life and how fulfilling living each day to get closer to Jesus is. The point is not do everything perfect, it is to do something, “You can't drive a parked car”. God will use us where we are at, our job is to start moving.

I was deeply stirred when Don prayed freedom over our ministry fears, the things that scare us the most about ministry, mine are singing and dancing in front of others.

My heart was burning when Don was telling stories about his experiences as a missionary. I actually, for the first time, became deathly afraid of the life of a missionary. It was very strange because hearing stories, reading books about others good works in the world have always fueled my passion, but all of a sudden my fatigue, sickness, concussion and the reality of the cost of discipleship became very very real to me. The brutal harshness of mission, and my selfishness was revealed to me and I had a complete breakdown. I am now actually beginning to understand the enormous cost of discipleship and it is painful. I am so thankful to the Lord that He has chose me to be in a relationship with Him and although I don't fully understand, I know the cost is nothing compared to the reward.

When Don used the example in the bible of Abraham in Genesis and his disobedience and then God's perspective of him in Romans I was absolutely amazed. I am just so amazed that God views us as righteous and I think hearing the biblical comparison at that moment in my life, was the first time I really started to get a good glimpse of God's perspective of His children.

God has been speaking to me about a few different things for Haiti. I really feel that prayer will be a very important part of what our team will be doing in Haiti. I know that it is always important, but God has been deeply laying it on my heart since I arrived in Kona, and I think it might be the most important for me personally. I really feel God telling us to pray and work on unity for our Haiti outreach team. We need to be like a Roman army, side by side, with any gaps. I feel God wants our team to “bring a new song” to Haiti. To make a spectacle of ourselves through worship so that God can become known to the Haitians in a new, fresh and amazing way.

I am so grateful and excited by what God is doing in my life!

Week 5- Spiritual Gifts / Authority of God

Speakers: Connie & Craig

Picture: 40min Hike on Lava rock and a red dirt road (so cool) to Green Sands beach (yeup, that is right, green sand, the pictures can not capture how cool it is). We spend the afternoon body surfing, learning to body board Hawaiian style. Part of our 2 day road trip around the Island. Every ecosystem is on on the Island except Arctic and Sub-Arctic, this place is Heaven on earth!

In terms of the teaching this week I really feel that a lot of it was confirmation for me in the things I have learned and begun walking in. I do still have questions in regards to spiritual gifts, particularly 'ministry gifts'. If they are 'calling' gifts then wouldn't they be bestowed upon you when God created you? Some people believe these gifts are given to you when you become a saint (born again). Maybe that is true in the sense that we begin walking in that gift when we are born again, but doesn't God create each person unique and for a specific purpose on this earth and therefore wouldn't we have been created with specific calling gifts? Amy Sollers (week 2) made a statement once that some people have 'specific assignments on their life' and I believe that to be truth. Sometimes I wonder if there is a specific assignment on my life because of the supernatural ways God has touched my life. (These questions were answered prophetically for me in week 7).

I also have a lot of questions about authority in a marriage relationship, I want to know more about how God intended marriage to be. As well as questions about women in leadership roles. One of the many things that I really love about YWAM is that they don't put a hindrance on women that you typically find in some churches (past and present), it really has been so freeing for me, and it is allowing me to step out and learn how to walk in my spiritual gifts.

This week I came to more of and understanding of how walking in your motivational spiritual gifts incorrectly can be negative and result in a lot of frustration and hardship. It gave me a different perspective on a lot of my failures and I can now see how to approach situations differently to have a positive outcome.

God really spoke to me about injustice when the “Sex and Money” film producer spoke this week. Through that He really showed me that I need to be healed so that I am able to completely give the love God gives to me to others.

When I made a choice to be obedient to God and start walking with Him again, I started giving more, serving more and other things like that because scripture told me to too. I wanted to know more of who God is. Now I find that I am starting to do these things because I know more of God's character and how loving He truly is and I want to share that with others.

Quotes from the week I really like

-People are more important than things
-Always be prepared for God to use you in the situation you are in
-The world needs people passionate about what they are doing
-God's Word (Bible) is a banquet table for you, don't take someones chewed up and spit out food.
-God is the AIR I BREATHE
-Battles are won and lost in the prayer field
-Character of God- A place to run and be safe

Thank you to all my Supporters!

News Update!!!

I wanted to take the time to thank you for your incredible generosity and prayer support!

I have been keeping my blog updated with things that have impacted me the most from each week. The link is http://mygraciousfavorisalluneed.blogspot.com/ .

This lecture phase has been one of the most incredible things I have ever done. I have met so many amazing people that have dedicated their lives to what God is calling them to, and the fruit of their lives is so inspiring. During our last corporate church, a 23 year old girl was the main speaker. She did her DTS, then continued on to her School of Biblical Studies (SBS), an intensive 9 month study of the Bible, is now the producer of an upcoming documentary called Sex & Money. This documentary is based on the exposure of sex trafficking in the United States, and the belief that God has called a generation to stop this inhumanity. The link is http://www.sexandmoneyfilm.com/ if you are interested in more information on it.

God is so incredible and I am falling more in love with Him everyday. Media hides a lot of God's miracles that occur everyday throughout every nation, and each one of the 600 people on this campus in Kona has played part in those miracles. Every person I talk to has a different story of the things they have seen God do throughout the world. The more I learn about who God is, the more I realize how much I don't know, and how much He loves His people. When we align our hearts with God's will really amazing things start happening. After the things God taught me through the speaker in week 4, I desperately want to come back and do an SBS, if you could please pray for me to have the opportunity to do this I would really appreciate it.

I am also learning Health Care here, and will be using it in Haiti. So far I have learned how to asses patients, and about AIDS/HIV. Good news is that it is very hard to contract AIDS from someone if the proper precautions are taken, which is super exciting because I can love, and hold the children as much as possible!

In Haiti the plan is that we will stay at an extremely poor orphanage with 50 children from December 15 to January 5. We will then move to a house in Port Au Prince and live there until March 5. It still seems pretty surreal to me. The need in Haiti is so far beyond human ability; it was already the poorest country in the western hemisphere when the earthquake hit in January 2010, there is now a Cholera outbreak that has killed approximately 500 people, and Hurricane Tomas going through there as I write this, which is predicted to increase the Cholera outbreak. Our team is completely putting all our trust in God for His hand to work, and to lead us. We are doing the possible and trusting the Lord to do the impossible. I am so blessed to have the opportunity to be a part of God's plan in the restoration of a country and I can't wait to share the miracles that God will perform.

Our outreach team is also currently working on a sponsorship video, I will send you the link when it is completed. We are looking into different ways we can help there, including building houses for $4000 (US) each.

Thank You for Your Support!

May God Bless You In All That You Do!

Sincerely,


Alicia Borsoi

Every Seed Dies Before It Grows - Please Pray for Me SBS

...Pt. 2 continuation specifically from last 2 blogs, but is included in all past blogs.

Over the past few months I have had multiple people, none of whom I know very well, in different locations speak prophetic words into my life, the central concept of all of them are something like this;
-That God is going to heal me through this journey
-This is a season of healing and restoration for me
-God wants to give me peace, (shalom)
-God wants me to dream big dreams

New words spoken to me last night in the prayer room, based on the same concepts as above
-God wants you to journal again
-God wants me to have my voice back, 2 separate people (not sure specifically, singing for him, speaking prophetic words for him)
-it is no mistake that I am here (in Kona YWAM) during the Jubilee, (50th anniversary of YWAM), This is to also be my Jubilee
-God is going to exceed my expectations
-God wants to restore to me all the years the devil stole

Definition of Jubilee (j`bĭlē), in the Bible, a year when alienated property and land were restored, slaves were manumitted, debts were forgiven, and a general sabbatical year was observed in agriculture. It occurred once every 50 years, at the end of a series of seven sabbatical years as prescribed by the Book of Leviticus.


My specific prayer request is that I feel lead to do a School of Biblical Studies (SBS) here in ywam, Kona beginning in April 2011. SBS is a 9 month program that goes in great depth through every book in the Bible. After this there is a optional 4 to 12 week outreach opportunity. I feel called to go deeper into learning the word, so that I can teach throughout the nations. I also would like to do the SBS here in Kona because I am really developing a heart for the people here, and I would like to be a part of the transformation of this community. I would like to do this beginning April 2011, it is not clear to me that this is God's timing, there is also another one that begins in September 2011. If I am to do this in April 2011, I need to begin making preparations now, as I will be returning from my outreach in Haiti March 11, 2011. If this is what the Lord is calling me to do, Finances are also needed (not sure of the exact cost right now), and I need prayer on what the Lord is telling me to do to get the finances (working, fund raising, sponsorship ect.)

Thank you so much to all who have helped sponsor me to get to where I am today, my life has already been dramatically transformed.

I can not express how thankful I am for your prayers, they are so important, they really do make a difference.

God Bless

Sincerely,

Alicia Borsoi
(Also a video is in the making for our Haiti outreach preparations, coming soon...)

Here I am; Vulnerability

... continuation of week 4 blog pt.1


Dear Lord,

Here I am, my brokenness hidden underneath a smile, pushed down, deep within my heart. I try to hide it from everyone, but I couldn't hide it from you. You know me, you love me more than I can even imagine. I need your love to be real, more than just writing on a page, or words in a song. Lord I realize I haven't been wrestling you all this time, but I've been wrestling myself. Making decisions based on my own understanding, trying to understand based on what I know, but in truth that is just not possible. In this lifetime I many never fully understand why I was hurt so deeply by people who I love, why Jen died, why I was always within reaching distance of success before I failed. I tried to use my hurts to fuel me for success and when that didn't work I tried to push them deep down, ignore them and be successful despite my hurt, that didn't work either. Now I have run out of options. Lord I have lost my voice and my zest for life, I've lost my desire to love others, all I want to do is run, on my own, far away with You. I want to know you Lord, I want to understand who You are, I realize how little I actually know about you. I don't question anymore if you are real or not, I know deep within my heart that you are, you know everything about me, you know the number of hairs on my head, but I know next to nothing about you.

I blame You Lord for my pain and when I realize how much you love me, I blame myself. I don't blame others, because I don't want to cause others pain, and I don't want to blame them for their lack of understanding, so I blame myself. If you are God, beginning and the end, the Alpha the Omega, then certainly it can't be your fault, It must be my fault. Lord You know my heart, you know I have a good heart, I always have, all I ever wanted to do with my life was love others, and never cause them pain, how did things get screwed up so badly? Ever since I was a little girl, I never had bad intentions for people, I just wanted them to be happy, time and time again I was shocked at the way they insulted me, the intentions they falsely accused me of and the sinful acts I committed. No wonder I can't understand Your unconditional love when this earth is only an example of conditional love. I'm so angry and so hurt because of all the years of joy in my life that were stolen. How do I stop blaming myself for all of the pain? My back and hip ache, my stomach causes me pain all day long, my facial skin breaks out, my body is all out of sorts, completely unbalanced and in constant agony. There are deep lacerations and scars on my heart, it aches constantly. If I was made in your image, made to love others, what happened? Because I don't know enough about your character, I can hardly even begin to understand the answer to that question, all I know is that we live in a fallen world, run by the father of lies. Lord, what you made for good, satan uses for evil, nothing is his own design, you are the one and only creator, and he manipulates everything, no wonder the love that you brought into my life for good always turned into disaster or hurt one way or another. The love I experience from others truly is real, but satan is constantly trying to manipulate it with hislies.

Lord I long to understand Your Word in way more depth, so that I can cut through satans lies with a sharp sword. So that I can begin to experience your love and teach others to do the same. Lord I want to take this walk with you, I want to journey with you, I want to go deeper with you. I don't want to look to the left or the right, but I want to look straight at You, walk hand in hand, and learn about You. Lord I can feel you saying to me how much You love when I write to You, what a privilege it is to be loved by You. Lord I want to be able to dream big dreams again and walk in Joy. Lord please show me the way.

Thank You Father,
Your grateful daughter,

Alicia

Amen

Week 4 – Fear of the Lord – My World Rocked and Changed Forever

Was my world ever rocked this week! Wow. Where to start! For those of you who know me well and how much I love the beach, and dislike sitting maybe I'll start with this; it is a Saturday afternoon, I have no real obligations, I'm in Hawaii, and I've been sitting inside all day writing. Actually every spare minute I had this week was spend in the prayer room. My entire life is uprooted. I've already handwritten more this week that I have written the entire time that I have been here. I don't know how this all started but I think the pivotal turning point may have been when I asked the speaker a question. I will try to simplify this and give it the proper context, but it may be hard, so don't adopt this into your own beliefs without prayer and study of the scripture. It was something along the lines of this; the speaker was talking about how we constantly try to take control of our own lives and are unwilling to give God the control, so I asked, “If we as humans, are to give up our control to God, and we have no value by our humanness (another part He spoke on, our value is in who we are in Christ, another topic), then what stops us from being WORTHLESS?” Emphasis on the word worthless is very significant, because the response to this question from the speaker was not something that anyone, especially the speaker expected. God's wrath was expressed to us, through the speaker in the form of a very loud, angry, and authoritative voice. How do I know that what the speaker spoke was from the Lord, and not from his human nature or evil? Because of the grace God put over me (and others) while the message was being spoken, I felt the power of Holy Spirit trembling in my body, I felt peace, and not offended in the least, but the words spoken, were powerful. God is so ANGRY that we would believe the LIES that satan says about us. You know the God that you read about in the Old Testament? Well since God is the alpha and the omega, than the God in the Old Testament is the same God as the one in the New Testament. Read about the God's wrath in the Old Testament, then read about the Love Jesus brings to the earth in the New Testament, then read about how God, suffered the most pain that can ever be suffered, by sacrificing His own son.

It is not even like God sacrificed His son for a beautiful reward. He sacrificed His son, for us, sinners, who would hate him, blasphemy against Him, continually sin and let Him down, murder, rape, become addicted to anything that felt good, mess up love, and turn His beautiful earth into a wasteland day after day. Yet God paid the ultimate price, if you think God doesn't feel pain, then where do you think we got our emotions from if God is the one who created us? All I know is that God is absolutely furious that we would believe the lie that we are worthless when He sacrificed everything for our freedom and worth. We are no longer condemned because Jesus died for us. We are no longer murders, adulterers, because of what Jesus did for us. Yes we still commit these sins, but when we believe Jesus died on the cross for our sins, receive Holy Spirit in our hearts and live a repentant life we are free, we are no longer clothed in sin, but we are clothed in righteousness, clothed in white, for the Lord's sake, free and so deeply loved by the Lord. After pages and pages of writing this week, hours of contemplation, reading through the Book of Revelations, I am only beginning to understand what this means, but it is so powerful that my whole body trembles from the glory of it.

So now my next thought is this, how do I live a life where I can cut through satans deception with a sharp sword, not only for my sake, but for the sake of all humanity? Since the Word of God, is the Sword of the Spirit, then it seems that my answer is to study the word of God, to know it, inside and out, a hundred thousand times over. I believe that this week God has opened an opportunity for me to continue (since I have already begun) this journey. I will reveal more of my journey that lead me to this conclusion, in the next two blogs, as I will need your help and prayer.

Thank You for Lord for Your Unconditional LOVE, forgive me Lord for thinking that I know more than You, My Creator, You are ever merciful, just, humble, and so gracious.

Amen

Picture: Kua Bay

Speaker - Matt Rawlins

Week 3 Nature and Character of God / Haiti Outreach!

This week has been challenging for me, in many different ways. Challenging to focus in my attention to the speakers, (and having Korean translation all week makes it even harder to focus). Challenging in that the lecture material didn't stir my soul deep within, although I certainly did find it interesting. It is funny because when I was home I was longing for deeper conversation regarding scripture, but I had such a hard time focusing this week. I was constantly asking the Lord for help to listen, and looking back at it I did have a lot of cool revelations. Three major ones stood out to me:
1.To stretch myself and reach out to the community around me. So I decided to go on a community outreach and was privileged enough to meet a lady and pray for healing of her back. I know chat with her weekly at the coffee shop she works at (mmmm Kona coffee and coconut ice cream is so good!)
2.When Jesus heals He didn't have expectations of the people He healed, it was purely by God's grace. I really want to believe that God not only wants to heal others, but that He wants to heal me as well.
3.That to be a Christian I don't actually have to hide in a Christian “bubble” or behind gates to be safe. God is the light of the world, and He lives in me! I am excited about how God will use me for His Kingdom in the world where people need it most.

This week I feel like God has drawn away from me, I know He is still with me, and perhaps it is me drawing away from Him. In any case it has been really neat, I feel like when I have week, like last week (so much intimacy and power of the Holy Spirit) that God kind of steps back to see what I will do with what He taught and gave me the week before. This week I had to take the first step of faith, like going on a community outreach and then God blessed me with “feeling” the power of His presence and Holy Spirit. I did my first 24 hour fast and it was after that, (defiantly not during) that I felt refreshed, renewed, and full of joy. I really like that God is building my endurance and strength, it certainly is not easy, but I know that it is such a blessing.
I am grateful that Trent and Tre helped me begin my journey of looking deeper into scripture and for beginning to break away the idol that I have created about God's nature and character.
I am so excited about how God has journeyed me on a path to Haiti. I love Haiti from so deep within my hear, a passion that could only be from the Lord. I cried and prayed for them today as they were hit with an outbreak of chlorea, I desperately want to go there and help. Being patient for two more months seems like will be hard, but I am thankful and I know that I need this time to grow and begin to understand more about who the Lord is. When the earthquake hit Haiti, I wanted go to Haiti so bad to help, I begged the Lord, but I knew I had nothing to offer at the time. I surrendered my will to go there to the Lord. I applied to U of N, Kona (here), not knowing at the time that Haiti was a possible outreach location. The Lord is so gracious that He brought me to Hawaii so that I could go to Haiti prepared. I know that the Lord doesn't need me to go to Haiti, all He wants from me is to let Him love me. I am so blessed and God is so mysterious, so amazing and I love Him so much.

Picture: Celebrating the opportunity to go to Haiti with Mud pie, mmmmm
Speakers : Trent and Tre Sheppard

Week 2 - The Truth Really Does Set You Free

I'm sitting here trying to figure why it is so hard for me to write a blog. I certainly haven't had any trouble in the last 5 months. I am being taught so much information, it is hard to process all that is going on. After having the weekend to process what happened during the week this is what I have concluded; so many of my questions that I have been asking the Lord, including ones written in past blogs, have been answered. So what do I do with that? I really wasn't sure at first, it was overwhelming, my heard was shaken, twisted, turned upside down and inside out, in such a good way that it is hard to describe. The only thing I really can say about that is that the truth really does set you free. I am so free, and I think that is a big reason why I am having trouble writing about my thoughts, because I am free, free from the burden of so much confusion and lies. I have many more different questions now that I know so much more truth, but when I rest and trust in the Lord, I feel completely and totally free.

I think an important detail to note is that the freedom does come at a price. Daily, sometimes minute by minute surrender, totally giving up my will for my life, and whole heartedly trusting in the Lord. I am still practicing and learning this, but it is so exciting, and God is so amazing, He is my best friend. From the outside looking in things may seem pretty simple, but when I talk about my heart going through the works, I mean it. I have spent more time in tears than I have in a long time. Some times the tears were from grief of my past, but sometimes, the deep, uncontrollable sobs were from so deep within my spirit, and I didn't even know what they were about. My spirit is grieved, such deep longing and I am learning why, bit by bit, piece by piece, day by day.

In terms of details of last weeks lecture, I don't know that I really can write about it, believe me I have tried, but I would talk about it one on one in person anytime, just to warn you, it will take faith to believe it:) I know that what I learned is now a part of my life, I hope every single day that I am on this earth.

God's love is so much more powerful that you ever could imagine, there was actually one point during lecture last week where the Lord's love was so powerful that I wanted to run out of the room to get away from it. It sounds weird, but it is true, and indescribable. God is so amazing and I love Him so much!

Oh ya, and prayer works. Special thank you to those of you who pray for me.

Love Always,

Alicia

Picture: Kua Bay aka Mile 88 beach. Hitchhiked there and back, so beautiful! I love God's beauty

Speaker: Amy Sollers

Justice DTS Week 1 Oct 1-10

Highlights from teaching – The Father Heart of God

I have come to see more of what the Father's love is. I have always had trouble understanding and feeling real love, sounds strange, but I have always been some what 'closed' to it. When I watched the clip of the Ironman who towed his son the entire race I was brought to tears. I never pictured the Lord as someone who, If I desperately wanted to compete in a race as intense as the Ironman (which I do), but for some reason I was unable to, the Lord would do it for me, and carry me every step of the way. It was a major revelation for me, that through every suffering the Lord has carried me, through all the pain and brokenness, He has been holding me.

Over the past year I have been slowly and sweetly falling in love with the Lord, but it never dawned on me that He too is in love with me, I knew that in my mind but my heart had no idea. I'm not going to pretend that all of a sudden I had this miraculous feeling of being constantly loved because that would not be true, but I do have moments of feeling overwhelmingly loved when I allow the Lord into my heart. It is a slow process of trust and it is beautiful.

The other very important revelation I had was when reading a “Love Letter” from the Lord – verses taken from scripture and put together in the form of a letter written to me. Nothing really stuck out for me, none of the love verses, just one line “You were not a mistake”. I didn't know why that stuck out to me and I what I feel the Lord has revealed to me is that circumstances beyond my control from when I was young have dictated how I have lived my entire life. I have lived in a constant state in 'fear of making a mistake' which has resulted in some success and many failures. In fact I actually can't think of a time in my life was I wasn't fearful of making a mistake. Thinking back on it right now, I can't say that I am angry or even sad about this. Throughout my life I have not shyed away from the majority of my fears, I took them head on, persevered through them, and I believe because of this I have gained great strength to handle difficulties of life, all the while bringing me closer to the Lord. This is just on of my many ways I have seen and experienced the truth of how the Lord will use evil for good.

When I first arrived in Kona I knew the Lord was showing me aspects of my character that He wanted to change. It was like, for the first time, I could see this wall of perfection sitting right in front of my face. I had a couple (already close) friends state to me that they thought I was a perfectist. So here I am, afraid that I am ugly, afraid that I am too skinny or too fat, afraid that I will do or say the wrong thing that will offend someone, afraid of not working hard enough to please the Lord (silly I know), and the list goes on. On the outside all people saw was a perfectionist. God's timing for this was so perfect because I am joyful at this revelation, if the timing had been any different I know I could not have handled this truth about myself. I was asking the Lord what I had to do to fix this (silly again I know), and I could hear him say in my heart “Nothing Alicia, surrender, I am gentle, kind and I love you”.



What the Lord speaking to me about Justice and Injustice this week.

There are three different options for us to focus on for our outreach, heath care, education, and water purification. I wanted to do water purification and was considering the possibility of education. Well, the Lord has sure changed that! We have a presentation on each of the options, and then we choose one to study for 7 weeks for our outreach. When Connie was presenting on health care, I can honestly say it was on of the most exciting moments of my life. The Lord reminded me of many of things that have happened in my life as well as many of the dreams I want to accomplish in my life. The possibilities the Lord showed me that are used to bring justice around the world in terms of health care and evangelism are more amazing than I ever dreamed. The Lord showed me that it is in fact possible for me to be involved in this field, I can't explain this all in writing right now, but seeds were planted that day in deep soil (funny enough during my work duty that day, natural farming, I was planting seeds in the garden). The Lord is so amazing! I wish I could express in writing how excited I am for this, but I am sure much more will be written about it in future journals!

Picture: Me at the Ironman near the finish line, 5am waiting for the race to start, 1500 athletes started with swimming, then biking, then running. I was so deeply moved watching this event, the holy spirit was stirring in my soul.

Speaker: Ben Nonoa

Beautiful Journey

I'm about to embark on a journey. I am already on a journey, but for some reason I have a feeling this part of my journey is going to be such a significant part, that it if I was writing a book it would be the most incredible impacting and amazing chapter in the book. That without this chapter, the book may not even be worth the read.

I was listening to a song by Lifehouse called 'It is what it is'. I like it because to me it seems to sums up much of the loss I have experienced in the last while. Tonight something else stuck out to me differently than usual, it was the following line “I was only looking for the shortcut home, but it's complicated, so complicated”.

I had reached a point in my journey of life where I had more than enough. My prayer was “God if you really exist, which I know you do, even though right now I may not believe it, if everything you say is true, then there is no way that life is suppose to suck this much”. That was it. Then I said “God I'm in this thing, I'm going all out, I'm 110% going to seek Jesus. I'm going to seek You, and I'm going to find this life and eternity that you say exists.”

You see, I'm a competitor, which is a blessing in some ways, and a curse in other ways. To sum it up I basically told God, “This sucks, so bring on the hurt, I'm up for the challenge, I want to know the real God”. Well, was I ever in for a season of suffering, and that is where the line “I was only looking for the shortcut home, but it's complicated, so complicated”, comes into play. I was trying to act tough, and thought I was ready for what God would reveal in my heart, I couldn't have been more wrong. I was in fact looking for the “shortcut home”, the shortcut to joy. I wanted the easy way out. I wanted the Lord's blessings, I wouldn't say without pain, because I knew pain would be involved to some extent, but I never imagined the suffering that I would endure, and what is more, the suffering that I had been enduring for years with even knowing it was also revealed to me. I believe that every human being can embark on this journey that I have taken, I do not in any way think that I am more great than anyone else.

Now, before I completely make you never want to embark on this journey, hear me out. I can only write this today because in the midst of my suffering, and what I know is a season of weeping that is yet to come, I have experienced a joy so radiating, so overwhelming, so out of this world that it is hard to even begin to describe.

Today I reached the top of a very steep climb. I am not sure how to describe it. Why is it so hard to describe? Well good question. Maybe because these were all things that took place so deep within my heart, so far from the outside, that world would have no idea what any of it means. The things inside of me, the things that I thought were right and perfect, my self centered attitude, my perfectionism, my competitiveness, my way of thinking “that my way is the best way”, were all things that were addressed by God. The joy that has come out of my learning about who I am, I can not even emphasize enough, how good God is. He has used my job as a way of building incredible character in me, it challenged me beyond any level I thought possible and I can honestly say it has made me a much better person. I believe that God will use anything to challenge our character and bring us closer to him, I am so thankful that he chose to use my job. My job was actually not bad at all, I learned a lot, for me the job came fairly easily, and the staff I worked with were awesome, but deep within my soul so much more was going on, I was climbing my everest.

I spent 14 months at that job, and I will truthfully say that everyday was a struggle. When I began seeking the Lord, everyday started to become a journey closer to learning about who God is and It was so hard for me. I sit here now more grateful then I ever thought possible. I finished my last day of work, feeling a little bit of happiness because I know God is sending me on a new journey, but also trying not to feel to much because I know more suffering and spiritual growth is to come in life. So when I got home from work, I sat down to thank God for his help in enduring my suffering, and I just start sobbing uncontrollably. Why? I'm not sure how to describe it. But think of your current everest. Well this was mine, and I just reached the top. I stared sobbing, not because I reached the top, not because I was finished working at that job, but because God was saying to me “thank you, good job Alicia, you were obedient to me”. I had done something that I did not want to do, and at the end, God thanked me! Can you even imagine it? I am sobbing right now even just recalling the moment. God, the creator, the almighty, the beginning and the end, was thankful to me for my obedience. The joy I have is more than anything I have ever known. More than any relationship I have had, more than any past success, more than any goal I have achieved. Wow, God your power is beyond imagination, you are everything good on this earth, and so much more. Right now, in this moment, I long to enduring Jesus suffering, and experience the joy and hope in the Lord. I thank you so much Lord. You have romanced me to my very soul and loved me beyond any emotion I have known. I sit here, in sorrow, weeping, in pain, yet your joy is so comforting, it is more than a hug, more than a passionate kiss, you bring more than what I need. You bring me suffering and peace, sometimes one after the other, and sometimes at the same time. Lord I embrace these tears you give me, because I know, though they may hurt deeply, they are for my good, for my healing, and in turn I hope to use them to heal others.

Every single one of us hurts, I am by no means greater or less than anyone else. Each one of us is constantly on our own journey towards the Lord's light and presence. He loves you as much as He loves me. God is so good, so good.

Sweetness of Suffering: My Heart

I have been wanting to write this blog for a while now, I know the words are there, as usual, I am not sure how they will end up looking on this page. I have been feeling a tug lately to share more of my heart. I already do share some pretty deep things that go on in my soul, but there is a little part of my heart that is locked up. When I locked that part of my heart up, I thought I would be able to throw out the key and never look back, and that is just what I did. I know that on my own, I would never again find that part of my soul, as far as I was concerned, that part of me died, and I would be able to live without it. I truly believe that whoever has been deeply wounded, no matter the cause, shares in this experience with me. I will write from my heart as best as I can, I will most likely cry very much as I write this (which is something I very rarely will ever do in front of anyone). This is just me, my heart, and a blank page.

First I need to say this is not easy for me, not even a little bit, my heart aches just thinking about opening it up. Perhaps it is hard for all of us to open up old wounds. I truly and deeply want Jesus to heal me, I am learning that in order to do that I need to reopen the old wounds, wounds that in my mind, I had already healed. I fight between wanting them to be healed, and not wanting to open them up again, I am sure you can relate. I will admit, it is not easy, but it comes down to this; open up and be healed, or keep it locked up and miss out some of the most beautiful parts of life. I honestly feel sometimes like the wounds are so deep that it would just be better to miss out on those things in life. I think God gives us the choice, to be healed, or to not be. Just like he gives us the choice to either love Him, or not love Him. He has granted us with the Gift of Free will.

I am trying to reach deep in my heart as I write, I find a moment when a tear glistens in my eye and I get close to opening up the locked door, but before the tears can fall on my cheeks I again throw the key away. I really and truly want to love, I want to love so deeply and passionately that the world didn't know what hit them. I want to go to those places that people tell me “you can't make a difference” and show the lost a love so deep, so true, so pure that it could only be from the Lord. The only way for me to do this is to let the Lord into my heart, so that he can show me this love, the love that is more incredible that we can possibly imagine. How do I know this exists? Because I have felt moments of it, it is a love so amazing that I can barely handle how joyous it is, I actually close my heart up and hide from it. It is more than I have ever felt and it scares me that kind of love is actually does exist, it doesn't seem real.

Women, do you remember when you were a little girl, did you used to twirl around in your pretty dress or did you dream of it? Did you hope your prince charming would come rescue you? Men, did you desire to be strong, sword and shield, able to face any battle to rescue your princess? So what happens? I don't even want to think about twirling in my little dress (which I certainly did do when I was young), because the world I have known up until how has certainly not shown me that being restful, twirling, and waiting for my prince charming is real.

I can't seem to open up my heart, maybe I'll just start with a name, Jen Simpson ( tears now glisten my cheek at just typing the name). My dear friend, teammate, I have written so much about you, yet no matter how many words I write the loss of your life on this earth has deeply effected my soul for the rest of my existence here. You are a wound that may never completely heal, your beauty that came from deep within your soul still shines in my mind.

I can't write this. I am crying and I do have tears, I was hoping to open up my heart but right now, I just can't, I don't think I'm ready.

I pray that you will be able to open up your wounds one day, let Jesus heal them, and live life to the fullest. I pray this for me also.

I have a feeling this is to be continued...
Amen

The Purest Love

Proverbs 30:5
Every word of God proves true. He defends all who come to him for protection.


Dear Holy Trinity,

You are at work,
so deep in my soul,
I could not reach it if I tried.
Your touch is so gentle, so loving,
I feel all my troubles turn to dust,
and wash away.
Your peace flows like a river,
through my veins,
filling my heart.
How intimately you show me your love,
I long to love you too.

You protect me from every harm,
and show me how to love others.
You steer me away from poison,
and feed me good fruit.
You reveal to me, my sins,
and cover me in your loving forgiveness,
A covering so overwhelming,
my whole body trembles with love.
You teach me your truths,
and give me a loving passion for your people.
You speak to me with authority,
and make a foundation of solid rock under my feet.
When the storm is too much,
and the waters are drowning me,
I softly whisper your name, Jesus,
and peace fills my entire being.

Your love is of the purest form,
there is none other like it.
You ask for my love in return,
and you forgive me when I resist.
I could search every day of my life on this earth,
and never find the love you freely give.
I am thankful beyond words,
for the joy I have is indescribable.
You are the only thing I need,
and I long to praise you day and night.
I dream of Heaven,
what it must be like,
If this is love you show me here,
I can only imagine the love I will feel there.
I long for the day I can sit at your feet,
and look up at your brilliant shining face.
I am thankful for every minute I have on this earth,
and patiently await the day to live in the Heavenly Kingdom.

In Jesus' Holy name,

Amen

Matthew 7:12
The Golden Rule
“Do for others what you would like them to do for you. This is a summary of all that is taught in the law and the prophets”

Matthew 7:15
The Tree and Its Fruit
“Be aware of false prophets who come disguised as harmless sheep, but are really wolves that will tear you apart”

Matthew 7:21
True Disciples
“Not all people who sound religious are really godly. They may refer to me as 'Lord', but they still won't enter the Kingdom of Heaven. The decisive issue is whether they obey my Father in heaven.”

Matthew 7:24
Building on a Solid Foundation
“Anyone who listens to my teaching and obeys me is wise, like a person who builds a house on solid rock.”

Matthew 8:27
Jesus Calms the Storm
The disciples just sat there in awe. “Who is this?” they asked themselves. “Even the wind and waves obey him!”

Sin

I found myself writing the below journal entry during a recent time of utter despair, an utter joy. I never imagined the two could go hand in hand, but the Lord has a way of, as we know, being very mysterious. In any case I wasn't sure if I should post my journal entry on my blog, it got pretty long, and I'm not really sure if it makes any sense. I think the decision to post it came because of the peace it brought me to write it, and hopefully, if you feel compelled to read it, I pray the power of God's Love will have an impact on you like writing it did for me.

Sin - In some circles of people it seems almost forbidden to talk about, the fear of not being perfect; in other circles of people it is talked about freely, living shamelessly. Two extremes.

It would seem to me that the two extremes have the same motivation for not confronting their sinful nature, neither one wants to feel that shame and guilt that sin can weigh upon us. We don't want to admit that we were wrong, we don't want to admit that we did in fact commit a sin. So many sins have become just the “normal” way of life, and they really aren't that “big” of a deal. Those sins can range from anything like a dishonest business deal to sexual immortality (and of course there are many more examples). I don't want to go off on a tangent about the many sins out there because I am not trying to bring about judgment, guilt or shame into someone life's, actually I hope that by they time I finish writing this, it will in some sense, do the opposite of that.

Over the past little while God has opened up my eyes, mind, and heart to things that have impacted me more than I believe I can write, but nonetheless, by God's grace, I will write, and pray for words. I am in tears as I sit here because of the wonderful power of the Almighty, that goes beyond any human understanding. I find myself constantly underestimating God's power. Remember how he opened the Red Sea for the Israelite's to cross out of Egypt? (Exodus Ch 14). Actually think about that for a moment. He opened the sea! Think about if you were walking along sea wall in Vancouver BC one sunny afternoon and all of a sudden the ocean in front of you split open. What would you feel? Fear, confusion, excitement? What would you see?! Perhaps the humpback whales were migrating through and they fell onto the ocean floor, maybe there is an old ship at the bottom, possibly hundreds of crabs and only imagine what else! Seems pretty unrealistic right? But God did it, twice for the Israelite's, (Joshua Ch.1-5) the second time 40 years later when they were finally allowed to cross into the Promised Land through the Jordan River!

(According to scripture Joshua instructed them to place12 stones there, which represented the 12 tribes of Israel as a memorial to mark a reminder “...They remind us that the Jordan River stopped flowing when the Ark of the Lord's covenant when across. These stones will stand as a permanent memorial among all the people of Israel.” Joshua 4:7 NLT. I do not know what the remains of the 12 stones today, the little research I have done is not enough to make a definitive statement (but I would love to pursue that topic)).

Anyways, back to the fascinating miracle, the opening of a sea and a river. I felt the Holy Spirit teaching me when I was reading about those Old Testament miracles, along with chapters of Romans and profoundly impacting life experiences (My interpretation of what) He, (the Holy Spirit) spoke,

“Do you know that the same God who opened the sea is the same God that loves YOU today. (Revelation 1:8, “I am the Alpha and the Omega – the beginning and the end,” says the Lord God. “I am the one who is, who always was, and who is still to come, the Almighty One.”) He is the same God that sent Jesus to die on a cross for YOU. He is the same God that saw man sin against him day after day after day in the during the time of Moses and yet He still opened the sea for the Israelites. Jesus is the same Jesus who died on a cross full well knowing the sins that man have committed, and will continue to commit, and not just some sins, but ALL sin. Alicia, do you know that just because you have and desire to accomplish good works, does not mean that you are greater then the person who openly sins without any acknowledgment that a sin has been committed? Do you know what separates you from your sinful nature? It is My Love, and only My Love. The only reason you are free from sin is by My grace, the Holy Spirit that lives in you, because of your faith that Jesus died on the cross for you. So why are you sitting in shame and guilt when I paid the ultimate sacrifice for you, I, the Lord, gave up my ONLY SON, for you. I gave up my only son for all mankind, I Love all mankind. Because you know the Law you feel guilty for your sin, but that is not how it was intended to be. Your guilt in and of itself is a sin because Jesus paid the ultimate price for you, and I, the Lord, do not cause your guilt.”

(The scriptures below put into words feeling I am familiar with, but could not put into words myself)

[Romans 7:9-12 NLT
“9.I felt fine when I did not understand what the law demanded. But when I learned the truth, I realized I had broken the law and was a sinner, doomed to die. 10. So the good law, which was supposed to show me the way of life, instead gave me the death penalty. 11.Sin took advantage of the law and fooled me; it took the good law and used it to make me guilty of death. 12. But still, the law itself is holy and right and good.]

[Romans 7:14-25 NLT
“14.The law is good then. The trouble is not with the law but with with me, because I am sold into slavery, with sin as my master. 15. I don't understand myself at all, for I really want to do what is right, but I don't do it. Instead I do the very thing I hate. 16. I know perfectly well that what I am doing is wrong, and my bad conscience shows that I agree that the law is good. 17. But I can't help myself, because it is sin inside me that makes me do these evil things. 18. I know I am rotten through and through, so far as my old sinful nature is concerned. No matter which way I turn, I can't make myself do right. I want to, but I can't. 19. When I want to do good, I don't. And when I try not to do wrong, I do it anyway. 20. But if I am doing what I don't want to do, I am not really the one doing it; the sin within me is doing it.
21. It seems to be a fact of life that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. 22. I love God's law with all my heart. 23. But there is another law at work within me that is at war with my mind. This law wins the fight and makes me a slave to the sin that is still with me. 24. Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin? 25. THANK GOD! THE ANSWER IS IN JESUS CHRIST OUR LORD. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God's law, but because of my sinful nature I am slave to sin.”

Romans 8 1-4, 15-17, 26, 38 NLT

1. SO NOW THERE IS NO CONDEMNATION FOR THOSE WHO BELONG TO CHRIST JESUS 2. FOR THE POWER OF THE LIFE-GIVING SPIRIT HAS FREED YOU THROUGH CHRIST JESUS FROM THE POWER OF SIN THAT LEADS TO DEATH. 3. The law of Moses could not save us, because of our sinful nature. But God put into effect a different plan to save us. He sent his own Son in a human body like ours, except that ours is sinful. To destroy sin's control over us by giving his son as a sacrifice for our sins. 4. He did this so that the requirement of the law would be fully accomplished for us who no longer follow our sinful nature but instead follow the Spirit.

15. So you should not behave like cowering, fearful slaves. You should behave instead like God's very own children, adopted into his family –Calling him “Father, dear Father” 16. For his Holy Spirit speaks to us deep in our hearts and tells us that we are God's children. 17. And since we are God's children, we will share his treasures – for everything God gives to his Son, Christ, is ours, too. But if we are to share his glory, we must also share in his suffering.

26. And the Holy Spirit helps us in our distress. For we don't even know what we should pray for, no how we should pray. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words.

38. And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from his love. Death can't, and life can't. The angels can't, and the demons can't. Our fears for today, our worries about tomorrow, and even the powers of hell can't keep God's love away.]

My statement near the beginning of this blog stands true, that I in fact don't have the words to express the profound way God has impacted my life. Instead the Lord led me to scripture, which more than expresses words that I myself could not get out. Yet I still feel there is more inside me that longs to speak. The power of God's spirit that has washed over me, is so incredible, so profound, I found my who bodily trembling, weakened at the knees, barely able to stand. I am a sinner, saved by the blood of Jesus, put on earth to share the love of Christ with people of all kinds. I feel joy and great blessing knowing God loves me, a sinner to my very core, His love is so far beyond our understanding of what love is. The Lords power of love does nothing less and much more than opening up the sea for us to pass through.

So what is the difference between the person who lives secretly in shame and the person who lives openly in shame?

Nothing.

Grace through Faith saves us.

Ephesians 2:8-10 NLT
8. God saved you by his special favor when you believed. And you can't take credit for this; it is a gift from God. 9. Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it.10. For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so that we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.

Sponsorship/Prayer Letter

act JUSTLY, love MERCY, walk HUMBLY - Micah 6:8

Dear Friend,

I have recently accepted the opportunity to go to Youth with a Mission (YWAM) Justice Discipleship Training School (DTS) in Kona, Hawaii. Beginning September 30, 2010 there will be a 12 week lecture phase and 12 week field assignment which concludes March 11, 2011. The Justice DTS addresses issues such as Human trafficking, child soldiers, genocide, poverty, AIDS, children living on the streets

During my classroom training I will be taught by the mothers and fathers of world missions, who God has been using to build His kingdom all over the earth. In addition to incredible teaching, ministry sessions, and impartation; part of the curriculum will focus on teaching students particular skills, which will further increase their effectiveness on outreach. An example of this is, two million children die every year simply because of the water they drink. I will be trained on how to build water purifiers and water tanks to battle this crisis. Education is another key aspect to eradicating poverty. Part of my DTS training will help equip me to develop life changing educational opportunities for young people in developing communities.

The 12 week field assignments will target areas of poverty and injustice in both Asia, Africa and the Caribbean. I may find myself working in an orphanage in Cambodia, working with trafficked and sexually abused women in Thailand, caring for victims of the earthquake in Haiti or providing assistance to refugees in Togo (west Africa). These are only a few of many possibilities.

I believe God has called me to join Him in His work to make an impact, to make a difference, that God will be known and lives will be changed around the world.

On other trips I have taken, including teaching health and physical education in Antigua, W.I. and helping to build an orphanage in La Mision, Mexico I have learned that it is important to have people praying for you so I am asking that you please pray for me before my trip, during my trip, and after my trip. I ask you to pray for my health as I have not been feeling well the last few months. I ask that you pray for me to always seek first the Kingdom as I will be challenged spiritually in new ways during my DTS. I ask that you pray I will always keep my eyes, heart, and mind open to what God is doing in every situation and I ask that you pray for protection over my team and myself, and that God will use us to bring love to the people we minister to.

I have been keeping this blog of my journey leading up to the decision to take this opportunity and I will be keeping it updated during my DTS.

I am also in need of financial support as the trip cost approximately $11,000 including the schooling, flights, food, accommodation ect. I have been working as a part time kinesiologist and high school rowing coach for the past year as a means of supporting myself. I have also recently been score keeping at university sporting events for some extra money and am looking for extra things to do to raise money towards the trip. I am looking to raise approximately $1500 more due by November 24, 2010. If you would like to sponsor me please send your donation to 32358 Golden Avenue Abbotsford BC V2T 5A9. Please make it out to Alicia Borsoi and mark it Justice DTS.

Thank you so much for reading this letter and for your support whether it be encouragement, financial support or prayer support. They are all needed and very much appreciated.


Sincerely,

Alicia Borsoi