Was my run this morning in Heaven or on earth? My spirit is taking me up to new levels of faith and love with my Savior Jesus!
Jesus is exploding inside of my chest! As the sun came up over the mountain, exploding through the clouds with its amazing rays of light, I felt completion in every part of my being; I felt an unreal amazing true love and true purpose! So I’m getting on my horse (aka airplane), and riding to California August 13, 2011, ready to bring this love the hungry hearts.
Let me back up a little to show what lead up to this breakthrough. After many months of suffering and struggle, some of it documented in past blogs, this week I conquered another part of my climb towards the Lord. It was the hardest challenge the Lord has ever given me.
In order to give the story a little more background, I will share some of how God, during the first week of Circuit Riders blessed me with the healing and understanding I craved from my time in Haiti. There are many things I could write but I’m just going to write about one major breakthrough.
I will jump right into it; there is much pain and struggle on earth, it is not uncommon to turn a blind eye to it or by our own human will we can numb ourselves, maybe because the pain is too much to bare and so that is what I did for the last 7 weeks of my time in Haiti.
The beginning of my time in Haiti was much different, my eyes were fully opened to seeing a broader perspective and I had been deeply praying into the Lord showing me more of His vision and His heart for Haiti, I only expected to see the good, but it turns out that God will show you the entire picture if you ask Him. I don’t mean this to sound harsh, or even prideful in the least bit, but I literally saw Hell on earth, one of the hardest darkest places, been there, seen it, and there are many things I haven’t written about that I saw, heard, and experienced there, the emotions and pain I felt for the people was real. I stumbled away from the Lord as I began to rely on myself for understanding, and not God’s truth. Soon enough I was completely shutdown, numb, and remained emotionless, except for anger for almost 6 months. I could put on the face needed to get through the day, but inside my heart was being torn into pieces. Despite the anguish of this feeling, I am so thankful because it is through this continual dying to self that I have began to learn the incredible power of Jesus Christ through the Holy Spirit.
It was then during the school of Circuit Riders I was brought to a beautiful state of repentance, the most significant was repenting of what I thought was my right to understand why God allowed others to suffer and I was mad I had to experience their suffering, feeling like the impact I made was too little. Through many tears and prayers I made the choice to trust the Lord, despite pain and lack of understanding.
God showed me that this is kind of like when the Israelites were freed from slavery in Egypt and sent to wander in the desert, their anger and frustration at being taking away from everything they knew, their homes, their comfort, their jobs and their food, was completely justified, but the difference was in Moses, and that Moses chose to trust God that there was the Promised Land, without understanding. The power of that kind of obedience is indescribable!
After this God soon began to reveal understanding to me, funny how that works! Some of what He is showing me is that I need to feel the pain that I have stuffed down for so many years, over so many heartaches, so my heart literally hurts so badly, often I wonder if I am having a permanent heart attack, sometimes I have tears, sometimes anger, sometimes frustration and sometimes, just sweet moments of stillness with the Lord. I believe God has told me that He is re-breaking my heart, and re-healing it because it didn’t heal right, and He is giving me a new heart, one that is aligned with Him. I wouldn’t have it any other way and the joy I receive through the Holy Spirit is so awesome!
Alight, so fast forward back to now (Circuit Riders).
Remember how Abraham was asked to sacrifice His only, long awaited Son Isaac? Well basically I had my Abraham moment this week. It has been building up since I think my DTS week 7 cost of discipleship (written in a past blog), I really experienced an intense week, but I never really grasped much understanding of it.
When I said goodbye to my mom at the airport on my way to Circuit Riders, there was one hug, and then two, then a third, and we both started sobbing. We felt a presence come over us, and both had the feeling that I wasn’t coming home, this wasn’t the first time I felt this before my departure, I am crying now, just writing about it again. So this week the Lord asked me gently, and lovingly, but He said “Would you still follow me if you didn’t get to see your mother again until heaven?”…wow. I don’t think I’ve ever cried so hard in my life, I felt Him saying, “she is the one thing you have put before me, and until that is removed you won’t be able to fully embrace this next season in your life”. My mom is my best friend, my solid rock, and I love her will all my heart.
So God and I talked for the whole day, I cried, I prayed, I wondered, I remembered Moses saying that He couldn’t do all that God was asking Him to, so God gave him Aaron to help him. I read over much scripture, went back to the same scriptures over and over, including Matthew 10:37-39
“Whoever loves father and mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. 38. And whoever does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. 39. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.
and Matthew 19:29 ESV
“And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or land for my name’s sake, will receive a hundredfold and will inherit eternal life”.
So after much pain the Lord brought me back to the prayer room, it felt so dark trying to run away from God. So, I reached a place deep in my heart that if I never saw my mother again on earth, despite how painful that would be, I would still follow God. To me, at this point in my life, that is the ultimate sacrifice, and the highest cost I could pay to follow Him. I know that God is good, and I have asked Him to see my family again, I know He is merciful and will grant me this prayer. But it was a test of the heart, indescribably difficult I am so thankful for it. I know there will be many cost that come up along the way, but God and I have been able to reach this moment, where, from here on out, the cost is settled, and I can move forward with the Lord.
So at 4am this morning the Lord woke me up and guided me to the prayer room, instantly on my heart was “Go to Orange County”. I began to pray and mediate on this, I went for my run, which felt like I was running somewhere in Heaven, my spirit was so alive, I reached the top of the hill at the end of the run watching the sun come up over the mountains, breaking through the cloud, with glorious light, I could envision Jesus sitting on those clouds, and all was well with my soul.
For the first time in my life, I am truly falling in so deeply in love with Jesus.
I love you Mom!
