What the Heck Happened to Me in Haiti?

Continuation of Sweetness of Suffering: My Heart (Written September 19, 2010) as well as many new questions.

(Also Port-au-Prince DTS promo video at end)

In the blog “Sweetness of Suffering” I wrote about suffering, and wanting to be healed, but not able or ready to let Jesus in to heal me, I then ended it with, “I have a feeling this is to be continued...”. Well today the Lord brought me back to read that blog I wrote right before I left for DTS.

I went through a very steep learning curve in lecture during DTS, I gained a very deep understanding of God's truths, I had old wounds brought up and the Lord began to heal them. Just today, in obedience to some of the Lord's promptings, I was finally able to have closure over the death of my friend Jen, which was one specific thing I was praying about before I left, and one thing God brought up over and over again for healing.

When I am suffering, and really struggling with what I think the Lord is saying, He'll often speak to me in a way that is so blunt it is actually really funny. Like today, him sending me back to reading an old prayer/blog and show me that the answer to those prayers has been completed. I can't help but sit back and laugh. My DTS lecture experience was basically a deep journey on discovering my original design, healing deep wounds that I stuffed down, answering prayers and questions that I had, and making head knowledge into heart knowledge, causing my 'inner man' to understand what the words in the bible actually mean. Being led and rocked by the Holy Spirit, being built up strong, understanding who God is, how much Jesus loves me, how only God's love can heal me and then going out to share that love with the people of Haiti.

Then I go to Haiti, pour out my love in every way I know how, then about a month into it, something happened. I don't know what, perhaps that is why I am writing about it now. I don't exactly know how to even describe it. When people ask me 'how was Haiti?', really the only thing that comes to my mind is the word 'hard'. What was so hard about it? Good question. I don't even know how to describe it, it was like walking through thick glue, every second of every day, trying so hard to make it through every day. It was like I was underwater, Jesus was my oxygen tank, and if I took Him away for even a second, I felt like I was drowning. Everything was uncomfortable, unfamiliar, stretching, challenging, painful. Then someone said to me, well, when you are underwater with an oxygen tank, you get to see things that otherwise you never would get to experience. Now that has me thinking. What was God teaching me, showing me, why was He allowing me to suffer so much? God does not allowing any suffering that there is not a greater purpose for, so God, what is your purpose in this? One thing I know is that I have developed so much more character from the challenges I underwent, which is a wonderful and important thing, I also have this new crazy love for people and desire for true Christlike relationship, which is very exciting. But I know there is more, more to what happened to me in Haiti, and I need to really seek the Lord, and find out.

This may sound weird, but since being home I have had to slowly rebuild my trust relationship with the Lord, because I was so wounded in Haiti. It has actually been pretty amazing, and now that I have deeper roots established with the Lord, it is easier this time, to trust Him after being hurt and the trust is so much deeper. The cool thing about my suffering this time, was that it was for the sake of the gospel, sure some of it still was out of my own disobedience, but I got to suffer with Jesus, and know him in a way I otherwise never would.

Looking at all the pictures and videos is awesome, because it reminds me of all the amazing moments, but I can't neglect that God allowed suffering in my life, so that I can go deeper with Him. I have no idea what to do now or what to do next.
I ever so gently hear the Lord saying to me “I am not finished yet, I who have begun a good work in you, will not relent, I created you to enjoy you, and to love you and I have not forgotten about you:”

I am also reminded of a quote by one of our speakers “It is not my encounters that have made me understand God, It is actually the hardest things I have ever gone through, and come out of.” -Amy Sollers. (Blog Week 2 – The Truth Really Does Set you Free).

So I suppose that if I didn't have wounds from the battle, it wouldn't have been much of a battle. There are things in life that are worth fighting for, yes there is a cost, but as I have learned and written before, it is a calculated cost.

Thank you Lord for always being with me.

Picture: Standing on rubble across the street from the Haiti Government Palace. Used to be administration offices ect. We filmed a promo video there for the Summer Port-au-Prince DTS which is going to be a huge blessing to Haiti. Some of my DTS teamates are returing to staff, and many Haitians we met and discipled will be students, very exciting!

Originally I thought that I would also staff this, but I am not feeling God calling me there as of now, and I am really praying into my next step. Your prayers for my next step are greatly appreiciated!

Promo Video Link <-- its sweet check it out!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aLwxWoEgI1Y