Well, Turns Out Life Is About More Than Me

Week 7
The Cost of Discipleship
Speaker: Jeremy West

[I love how last week God really prepared my heart for this weeks topic, He is always so amazing.]

Not really sure where to start. I have been trying to think of a word to describe the week. You know when a natural disaster occurs and the entire landscape of a region is dramatically changed? Well that was my week, but rather than a disaster it was the opposite. It was a complete change and shift of my entire life. My prayers for God's perspective (on a number of different things) are being answered. My prayers for healing are being answered, both emotionally and physically. God revealed to me suppressed pain over Jen's death, the moment when I had to take her dad by the arm and show him the memorial we made for his daughter, his only child. I think that, that must be the worst pain you can ever experience, to have your child die before you. The pain God must feel because He sent Jesus to the cross. I know the sadness of that moment in my life will always be with me, but God's grace is so much greater. I prayed with a classmate, for the guilt I held myself to because Jen died and I am still alive. When I prayed over this and claimed freedom over my life, I actually physically felt something leaving my body. I have freedom over this pain now, freedom I haven't had since January 27, 2008. I was totally paralyzed when Jen died, I slowly came back to life but a part of me was frozen with pain and it stopped me from living a life to honor who Jen was and to show how loving God is. I couldn't love to the fullest, I couldn't train to my full potential and was constantly hindered by sickness. I can not put into words my thankfulness for the suffering I endured because now I know more of God, He is my best friend. I know Him more intimately than I ever thought possible and I still only know a little bit of who He is.

The Holy Spirit had me in constant state of 'vibration' (for lack of a better word), for a couple weeks. Amy Sollers and Jeremy West both prophesied things over me this week. I will not reveal all they said quite yet because I am presently still beginning to learn how to walk in a new way with the Holy Spirit. I will say that my questions from week 5 about 'when ministry gifts are received' was answered, and my answer was “that my spiritual gifts were bestowed in my before I was saved to be developed with the Holy Spirit.” The other thing I will say is that it was confirmed to me that God has me on a very steep learning curve, which was very encouraging because sometimes I just feel like I am totally crazy. Every single day I feel almost completely like a different person. Don't get me wrong, I am still human, still a sinner, and still need rely on God for my every move, even though I often fight Him, and try to do things by my own strength. It is a life of constant surrender, and it is getting easier as I begin to recognize the ways in which I am stubborn and fight God.

I am coming to understand that I indeed do have real authority through Christ who lives in my and the 'trick' of living in this is walking in obedience and faith. God really does have some majorly huge plans for me if I choose to take the opportunities He is going to place before me. I will admit that I am terrified, the Holy Spirit is filling me with peace, joy, grace and I keep hearing the Lord say to me “I AM WORTH IT”. I AM a GOOD God and I WILL NOT rob you of the desires of your heart.”

So yes, I am learning more about what the 'cost of discipleship' is, but also that it is a calculated cost. I wouldn't say that I am fully ready to say that I will die for the gospel, but at the same time I have come to realize that I already have laid down my life. I am dying to self daily, sometimes I take a giant leap forwards, and sometimes I take a few steps backwards, but this is the real deal, and I wouldn't chose any other life.

God is still speaking to me a lot about Haiti, still mostly about how important prayer and worship is. Also that our team has the authority of Christ, we need to understand this, and we have nothing to fear as we walk in obedience to the Lord.

Picture: Waipio Valley, absolutely beautiful