Jesus I'm Desperate For You

I know I need to write, but I have no idea what, so I’ll start with this.

My name is Alicia Borsoi, I’m 25, educated, and absolutely heartbroken. Why am I heartbroken? I don’t even really know the answer to that.

Once upon a time, life was simple, I woke up, I ate, I went to school, my mom packed my lunch, my mom picked up from school, then I usually I went to play some sort of sport. I grew up, did the normal stuff Canadian youth do. I found myself completely unsatisfied, longing for more. I believed in God, and I knew, that if He was who He said He was, then there certainly was more to life than what I was doing.

So I embarked on a journey, I decided to go with YWAM, went to Kona, ended up in Haiti, came home radically changed, and pretty shook up. I felt the Lord calling me back to Kona to do a 6 week school called the school of the circuit riders. My life was even more radically shaken; I came to experience not only the Radical Love of Jesus Christ, but the urgency of the times that we are living in. It was a time of learning how to live the full gospel, and experiencing sweet moments of Heaven on earth, it is possible.

Now I am home, tormented day and night by the pain in my chest, the deep deep ache of a permanent brokenheart. Is Jesus really sharing His heart with me? Is this the burning and aching for the lost souls? Is it aching for my own life? For my own desire to meet my husband, the one who I can partner with and spread the love of Jesus all over the earth?

Everything looks strange to me now, different somehow, I can’t quite explain it, I think it is something you have to experience for yourself. Maybe God has answered all my prayers for His perspective, this certainly isn’t my perspective. There is so much evil in the world, there are so many different people and places that I want to help. I sit here, dumbstruck, so incredibly overwhelmed, but seemingly frozen, unable to move, unable to think, broken, hurting, weeping; Lord will you answer my cry?!

Maybe He is, maybe I’m just not listening, is this heart ache Him, or should I have been in the hospital five months ago? All I want to do is share the love of Jesus with others, but my pride gets in the way, my fear, I shrivel, I think, “it’s too hard, I can’t do this”. There are so many people who don’t know you Jesus, and you are desperate for your bride, what do I do? How do I help? How can I reach them, where are my brothers and sisters? Why are we all so busy with our lives? Help me! My flesh fights my spirit and I don’t know what to do! I’m desperate, lonely, helpless, crushed. God I need a miracle, nothing else will do. I need you God, I need divine help, I need divine guidance, and I’m so desperate for you Lord.

Please Lord, hear my plea, how can I help, my courage and boldness dwindle, and I feel like an ashamed child. Jesus please come and teach me, I only want you. Please take away this pain, it hurts so.

I can no longer think about my selfish desires; it only makes my heart ache more. Lord I am a new creature in you, please show me how to live.

Lord I ask for the song to sing, the words to say, Lord would you give me air to breathe. Lord would you take away my tears and replace them with your tender love. Jesus I know you are coming soon, and I am hiding my light under a table, Lord forgive me and redeem me with your love. I can bear this pain no longer, my human flesh is nearly disappeared, my heart is sick, I need you Lord Jesus. Please, please, send your presence back to comfort me; I cannot live without your presence. I feel I have lost my mind, Lord I cry out for your touch, nothing else matters but you Jesus. Please save me from this torment Jesus, I can bear it no longer.