The Devils Worst Fear Is That You Will Find Out What God Created You to Do and That You Will Do It.

Week 9 Pt.2

Picture: The coolest road I have ever driven on. Banyan Tree's are Amazing! (Take note of the light at the end of the tunnel ;) !

I am now in a place in my heart where I am, really and truly loving people from deep within. This is happening for only one reason, because I am learning my identity in Christ, and the understanding is giving me such freedom. I find myself making more time for people, finding little ways to make their day better and becoming more willing to change my plans to accommodate them, it truly brings joy to the soul. I find myself better able to be in communication with the Father while being surrounded by many people. I used to have a huge struggle with this, and I still need to sneak away often to talk to the Lord in quietness (which there really it is never completely quite here). Sometimes I find myself in a battle to surrender to authority, not in the typical way though. It is so busy here, not the kind of environment I expected in ywam, and it seems someone in authority always wants you somewhere to do something and all I want to do is sit still with the Lord and listen. So from time to time, I will be late for something just so that I can spend a few minutes listening to what the Lord is telling me for my next step, sometimes it is a reminder of how much He loves me. I am thankful for this busy environment, because the world is a busy place and I am learning how to be on time and attend all events, and still finding those moments with the Lord, it is great training. There are defiantly still times when I need more than a moment because of the steep climb the Lord has me on, and that sometimes is very difficult for me when I have to wait a long time to get more than 10 minutes to listen.

Writing this is reminding me of how I have woken up almost every single night since I've been here (9 weeks) in the early hours of the morning. I usually just put on an extra blanket and go back to sleep, but a lady who has a strong prophetic gifting was speaking to us in the prayer room and mentioned that the Lord has been trying to get a lot of our attention through dreams and waking up in the middle of the night. That really got me thinking, but not enough to stay up when I have been woken up. So one night I felt to go to the prayer room and stay late (it is always open 24/7), I was so worried about this because, as usual, the next day was busy and I do not function well at all when I'm super tired. So I went to the prayer room and said to the Lord I would stay until He said it was okay to leave, I ended up staying there until 4 AM. Just laying in the Lord's presence is a gift in itself. Some really cool things happened in there, (which is normal for the prayer room), and when I was asking the Lord why I kept getting woken up so early in the morning, I felt Him saying to me, “I want to tell you How Much I Love You”.

So, we will see if I am continued to be woken up early in the morning, I may have just missed out on 9 weeks of restful communication with the Lord, but He is a God of second chances. He may have been trying to bless me with the quite peaceful time with Him that I had so often craved during the entire DTS. It goes back to the obedience thing, I really did not want to get up out of my bed in the early morning hours, but if I had, I might have been filled up with more joy and peace that I struggled so hard to find some days. I don't know for sure, but I do see more clearly now how important it is to be obedient even when I don't understand. It is obedience first, then understanding comes. I pray that as I continue on this journey I will listen and be obedient to the Lord's little promptings. He is such a gentlemen and would never force us to do anything. I am so thankful for His friendship. I can't forget to mention, the day after I was in the prayer room until 4 am and up at 7 am, the Lord blessed me with such incredible grace and peace the next day, I attended all the meetings and we worked all afternoon on cleanup, and I was a bit tired, but I really didn't feel awful like I usual do when I don't get any sleep. The Lord rewards us for our obedience, He is so loving and kind.

My roommate made a statement to me this week when we were having a conversation, and it really aided in a major change of direction I am experiencing in my life right now. We were talking about different emotions and how some people are pretty steady with there emotions, and some people like myself are constantly from one extreme to the next. She said “emotions make life”. I have has such a fear of sad emotions (which is common I'm sure), that such a big part of me has been shut down. With maturity I have learned how to better control my emotions in good ways, but it also has had a detrimental effect, I have closed in so many emotions. There is a reason God created me as an emotional person (some of you may not know this, as I have made it my life long goal to hide them, until I started expressing them in this blog). I think many, many people struggle with this. Also what you do with you emotions is very important, because when are there used in a negative way, it is never a good thing. All this being said I am realizing how true it is that God doesn't make mistakes, He created me this way for a reason (who would of thought!) and all the good God has created has been twisted by this world. I am learning the goodness of the emotions that God has given me, it is so freeing, so cool, and I am so excited about this part of my journey. I have a feeling my emotions, are going to play an even bigger role in my future.

Okay, so I am going to sum up DTS in a pretty stereotypically way, but the meaning for me has so much depth to it. There is two reasons my life has been not as fulfilling as it could be. The first is, I didn't know my identity in Christ and the second is, I didn't know my own identity, the things that I was originally designed for. I think this is the key to life. So now I am here, I know more and more of who I am in Christ and my passion to love Him. That is enough, I never need more than that. Yet God loves us so much He wants us to enjoy this life and I am still missing the second part of the puzzle. I am an incredibly passionate person without a specific practical passion to pour my emotions into, call it my “calling” if you will. I have tried many times in my life and poured all of my heart into many different things, none of them as successful as I would have liked, none of them fulfilling. I am very aware of many things that I am passionate about but I had no idea what to do practically to tie all these things together and most importantly so that it glorifies the Lord, until this week. The Lord has brought things to my attention, things I have been ignoring for a long time. One of our speakers said that often the thing God wants to use you in for ministry is the thing you are most afraid of, well if that is true, than life just got a whole lot more interesting for me. So to sum up DTS it is this, I crawled into DTS as a caterpillar, God wrapped me up in a cocoon and now I am in a season of growing into something full and more beautiful. I have no idea how long I will be in the cocoon, it may well go long past DTS, it may not, but I am so excited for the day that I will be the butterfly and freely fly around in my gifts for all the world to see God's glory.

I pray for humility as pride comes before a fall, I long to be humble and used for God's Glory.

God is a Good God.

Amen

Joy of Obedience!

Week 9 Pt. 1

Picture: In front of a live volcano! Don't worry it hasn't erupted for a long time ;)!

This week was a special celebration of the 50th Anniversary of YWAM. What an amazing time! There was all sorts of really neat people I met from all over the world, really cool experiences and we got to hear about all the amazing ways that ywam is involved on the cutting edge of technology in the world. I am not going to talk so much about the specifics of the week, but rather in my next 2 blogs I will talk about what the Holy Spirit was teaching me through it all.

I feel the Lord saying to me not to be afraid, I don't need to constantly be over striving and will powering my way through things, this is what He created me for and He guides my every step. Yesterday by the flags when we layed the bricks down and the elders prayed over the youth, I had tears running down my face. Tears from the spirit, I felt God saying “weeping for joy”. Yesterday may have been the day I was commissioned by the Lord to go into all the world, to know Him, and make Him known.

I realized I need to let go of the “idea” of the life that I left behind, because the life I “left behind”, really wasn't what I remember it as, I was not living life to the fullest as God intended it. I also need to remember that the “ idea” of the future that I create in my mind when God puts a new idea in front of me is also not how God intends it. Isaiah 55:8-9 “ My thoughts are completely different from yours,” says the Lord. “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.” Gods plans are so much better for me than I can even dream, and I need to let go of what I was holding on to, let go of what I think can be.

The Lord has me on what I can best describe as a “tight leash”. I really can't get away with much, I begin to doubt and have unbelief in the Lord and I immediately feel lonely, hurt, depressed, confused and angry. When the Lord asks me to do even the small things, like giving up what I thought was my right, to eat whatever healthy food I want, and most days the food here is not healthy at all. It would make me so angry that I had to eat such unhealthy food all the time, so I would spend unnecessary time grumbling and angry. When I decided to just accept the food, find healthy food when I got the chance, my level of joy and peace dramatically increased. The same thing with sickness, when I began to seek the Lord whole heartedly again I have constantly been plagued with different sicknesses, its been about 7 months now of this. I realize that we live in an unseen war, spiritual warfare, and satan loves to attack me with sickness.

This week I really gained power over this, God really showed me a new perspective. The reason that satan will use sickness for me is because it truly would make me miserable, I would go about my day, do what I had to do, but there would be a little bit of my mind that would be annoyed that I had to work so hard feeling so unwell. Well, I have decided to make a choice, rather than complain and get angry with God that I am sick, I choose to do the possible (get medications ect. For whatever it is), pray over it constantly, and not allow it to steal my joy.

One of the most amazing “tricks” that I have learned in terms of keeping joy (because that is what the enemy loves to steal), is believe or not, is to not complain. It seems like such a repeated line, but I am learning how true it is. When we complain it takes the place in our heart of where the Lord wants to put joy. Sometimes it takes me hours of constant prayer to not complain, and instead of complaining out loud, I will “complain” to the Lord, and almost immediately it brings me to ask for forgiveness of my grumbling, and the Lord gives me a new perspective of my situation. I simply am choosing not to let sickness steal my joy and leaning on the Lord for His guidance.

Jude 1:16-23 NLT
"These people are grumblers and complainers, doing whatever evil they feel like. They are loudmouthed braggarts and they flatter others to get favors in return. But you, my dear friends, must remember what the apostles of our Lord Jesus Christ told you, that in the last times there would be scoffers whose purpose in life is to enjoy themselves in every evil way imaginable. Now they are here, and they are the ones who are creating divisions among you. They live by natural instinct because they do not have God's spirit living in them.
But you my dear friends, must continue to build your lives on the foundation of your holy faith. And continue to pray as you are directed by the Holy Spirit. Live in such a way that God's love can bless you as you wait for the eternal life that our Lord Jesus Christ in his mercy is going to give you. Show mercy to those whose faith is wavering. Rescue others by snatching them from the flames of judgment. there are still others to whom you need to show mercy, but be careful that you aren't contaminated by their sins."

This last week my complaining, even complaining in a joking matter brought me into the miserable world of doubt which lead to delayed obedience and nearly caused me to miss out on some amazing opportunities. I am so thankful that the Lord is a gracious, kind, and merciful Father and has restored those opportunities to me. God was reminding me of James 1:1-18 during my time of doubt plaguing me, but I didn't actually open the bible to read it, so the Lord had a dear sister in Christ send me an encouraging message with that scripture written out in it at the exact moment I needed it. God is so good. I also had another sister in Christ really help show me that because of Christ living in me I have authority over ALL evil, and her amazing speaking skills really helped to show me the Lords perspective on my situation. I am so thankful for these people. When we listen to the Lords the prompting and be the part of the body of Christ that we were intended for, it is such a blessing for everyone.

Another thing that was really clarified for me during my doubt was from James 1:13-17. I would be often asking the Lord why He let me make so many mistakes, why, if He was just to going to bring me here to restore me in this season. It was really frustrating for me. Well, turns out I needed to repent of that way of desperately wrong thinking. As it says in verses 13-17 NLT “And remember, no one who wants to do wrong should ever say “God is tempting me.” God is never tempted to do wrong, and never tempts anyone else either. Temptation comes from the lure of our own evil desires. These evil desires lead to evil actions, and evil actions lead to death. So don't be misled, my dear brothers and sisters. Whatever is good and perfect comes to us from God above, who created all heavens lights. Unlike them, he never changes or casts shifting shadows.”

So it never was God's intention for me to make mistakes that caused me hurt and pain, but rather that was by my own doing, and by the fallen world we live in and the prince of darkness that controls it. As Children of Christ we are no longer conformed to the ways of this world, and therefore if we “...get rid of all the filth and evil in your lives, and humbly accept the message God has planted in your hearts, for it is strong enough to save your souls” James 1:21 NLT. So God did not need me to come to ywam but since I chose to spend most of my life walking in disobedience and not listening to the Lords prompting, when I began listening to Him again He blessed me the opportunity to come to ywam to be restored, to learn who He originally created me to be, and also answering my prayers to help in Haiti by sending me with an amazing team, and building up my spiritual gifts in this awesome spiritually guarded environment. Also, the Lord never allows anything to happen to you that does not have a greater purpose.

The other thing I want to say that I think is the most important, is that repentance truly is a gift. We often look at it as a scary thing because by our nature we don't like to be wrong or make mistakes, and we like to be in control. When we repent to the Lord, there is an amazing grace upon us, and it draws us closer to the Lord, which draws Him closer to us. Repentance means not only recognizing the sin, but then turning from it. So for example my sin of complaining, delayed obedience, doubt and disbelief, after asking the Lord for forgiveness, I now consciously am making the effort, when I find myself wanting to complain, I reform my complaint in to a question to the Lord, when I doubt I ask the Lord for scriptures, or encouragement from a sister or brother in Christ. There is always the practical application side of things, and eventually these things become as natural as breathing, growth takes time, but it is well worth it. It is a life long journey, but when the journey is with the Lord it is amazing beyond words.

This journey the Lord has me on, of course, is all about getting closer to Him. When I came to ywam, I didn't bring a phone, I spent very little time talking to people back home, I spent every spare minute I could sitting and talking alone with the Lord. Sometimes I desperately wanted somebody there to help me, to talk to me, to say the right things, to hug me, to hold me, but my wishes never came true, sometimes I would talk with others and I wouldn't get the response I was looking for and I would feel lonelier and more confused. I now am so incredibly thankful that the Lord didn't send someone when I wanted because as I sit here, I feel so loved, so wrapped up in His arms, I feel my communication with Him is so much more open and unblocked, I now am trusting more and more that He is speaking to me, in so many different ways and nothing is better than intimacy with Jesus. It certainly is not always easy, but it is always worth it. I am constantly learning more ways of communication with the Lord, and surrendering my life to Him. It is so good. I have been blessed with the “feeling” of the Lords presence, through the Holy Spirit, for quite some time now. For me it feels like a constant vibration of my body, if you were to touch my hand you would feel the shaking, sometimes it is stronger, sometimes it is weaker. I have been asking the Lord a lot why I have this, and what He wants me to do with it. Sometimes it is to pray for others, but today I felt him saying it is mainly just for my knowledge. My devotional this morning was perfect in its description. “ Let my presence override everything you experience. Like a luminous veil of Light, I hover over you and everything around you. I am training you to stay conscious of Me in each situation you encounter”. What an amazing gift the Lord has given me! I begin to feel His presence dim when I walk in disobedience, and last week after I spend a couple days walking in repentance, I once again began to feel the Lord's presence again.

Now don't forget the Lord is ALWAYS with us, but He has me on this journey so that I become more aware of what brings me closer to Him, and what brings me further from Him. Wow, I feel so blessed, and I love so share this living water with others. Speaking of living water, the bible truly feels now to me like water, but it tastes so sweet like honey. I keep getting this picture of a set of hands holding an open book, at the top it is titled “Book of Life”, I see water pouring out of it down on to the earth, it is there for whoever is willing to receive it.