Here I am; Vulnerability

... continuation of week 4 blog pt.1


Dear Lord,

Here I am, my brokenness hidden underneath a smile, pushed down, deep within my heart. I try to hide it from everyone, but I couldn't hide it from you. You know me, you love me more than I can even imagine. I need your love to be real, more than just writing on a page, or words in a song. Lord I realize I haven't been wrestling you all this time, but I've been wrestling myself. Making decisions based on my own understanding, trying to understand based on what I know, but in truth that is just not possible. In this lifetime I many never fully understand why I was hurt so deeply by people who I love, why Jen died, why I was always within reaching distance of success before I failed. I tried to use my hurts to fuel me for success and when that didn't work I tried to push them deep down, ignore them and be successful despite my hurt, that didn't work either. Now I have run out of options. Lord I have lost my voice and my zest for life, I've lost my desire to love others, all I want to do is run, on my own, far away with You. I want to know you Lord, I want to understand who You are, I realize how little I actually know about you. I don't question anymore if you are real or not, I know deep within my heart that you are, you know everything about me, you know the number of hairs on my head, but I know next to nothing about you.

I blame You Lord for my pain and when I realize how much you love me, I blame myself. I don't blame others, because I don't want to cause others pain, and I don't want to blame them for their lack of understanding, so I blame myself. If you are God, beginning and the end, the Alpha the Omega, then certainly it can't be your fault, It must be my fault. Lord You know my heart, you know I have a good heart, I always have, all I ever wanted to do with my life was love others, and never cause them pain, how did things get screwed up so badly? Ever since I was a little girl, I never had bad intentions for people, I just wanted them to be happy, time and time again I was shocked at the way they insulted me, the intentions they falsely accused me of and the sinful acts I committed. No wonder I can't understand Your unconditional love when this earth is only an example of conditional love. I'm so angry and so hurt because of all the years of joy in my life that were stolen. How do I stop blaming myself for all of the pain? My back and hip ache, my stomach causes me pain all day long, my facial skin breaks out, my body is all out of sorts, completely unbalanced and in constant agony. There are deep lacerations and scars on my heart, it aches constantly. If I was made in your image, made to love others, what happened? Because I don't know enough about your character, I can hardly even begin to understand the answer to that question, all I know is that we live in a fallen world, run by the father of lies. Lord, what you made for good, satan uses for evil, nothing is his own design, you are the one and only creator, and he manipulates everything, no wonder the love that you brought into my life for good always turned into disaster or hurt one way or another. The love I experience from others truly is real, but satan is constantly trying to manipulate it with hislies.

Lord I long to understand Your Word in way more depth, so that I can cut through satans lies with a sharp sword. So that I can begin to experience your love and teach others to do the same. Lord I want to take this walk with you, I want to journey with you, I want to go deeper with you. I don't want to look to the left or the right, but I want to look straight at You, walk hand in hand, and learn about You. Lord I can feel you saying to me how much You love when I write to You, what a privilege it is to be loved by You. Lord I want to be able to dream big dreams again and walk in Joy. Lord please show me the way.

Thank You Father,
Your grateful daughter,

Alicia

Amen